Remember the name Natalie Dylan? The college-age skank who’s auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder? Well, bidding just got crazy high — Natalie Dylan’s poonanny is currently holding at $2.5 million. That noise you just heard was the sound of every sphincter in your body spontaneously loosening at once. The smell will be forthcoming. According to the Associated Press

The highest bid for a night of passion with Natalie Dylan has come to $2.5 million. At least ten thousand men have out in bids to relieve Natalie Dylan, a cute brunette, of her virginity.

The winning bidder will get to enjoy Natalie Dylan’s favors at the famous Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada, where prostitution is legal. She has undergone a polygraph test and is willing to undergo a medical exam to prove her sexual status to the satisfaction of the winning bidder.

Look, I don’t see what the big screamin’ deal is about being a virgin. Consider the facts: 1) I was a virgin until my first marriage, because — as my high school boyfriend was always reminding me — doing it in the butt doesn’t count; 2) there was nothing special about losing my virginity, either, unless you’re a big fan of awkwardness and secretion-riddled fumbling followed by on overwhelming sense of shame that can only be eased by cutting; and 3) if you want a virgin, I can get you a virgin. Hell, I can get you a virgin by three o’clock this afternoon. And way cheaper than two point five million fucking dollars, too. It’s called the “The Local University Chapter of the Future Homemakers of America” and “The Society for Creative Anachronism Medieval Re-enactor’s Guild.” It’d behoove some wealthy business to do a little more research!

Howard Stern continues to break air wave ground by auctioning off a girl’s virginity live on his radio show today. And you thought you had to strap a bomb to your chest in a market square to score a couple of virgins. In your fuckin’ face, jihad! Woo! According to The Sun

The 22-year-old brunette, who is using the pseudonym of NATALIE DYLAN “for safety reasons,” says the money will pay for her college tuition. She was introduced to Howard by the owner of a legal Nevada brothel, where her sister already works. The winner of the auction will get to consummate the relationship at the brothel.

But how will we know she’s really a virgin? I mean, anybody could say they’re still a virgin. People say a lot of things. I’m an off-duty police officer; No hablo ingles; That hooker looked like that when I found her; etc., etc.

In case anyone doubts her virginity, she is willing to submit to a polygraph test and a gynaecological exam. The auction will be launched on Stern’s Sirius radio in San Diego today and conducted on the brothel’s website.

Can you really put a price tag on your virginity? Surely there’s no way to assign monetary value to your flower. ‘Cause if that’s the case, then I went for a whopping fourteen dollars and eighty-nine cents. Or whatever three bottles of Boone’s Farm and Captain D’s dinner runs when adjusted for inflation.

Britney Spears’ mother’s new book is about to hit the shelves, so all you considering children ought to head down to the Barnes and Noble and stock up while you still can. Advice this good isn’t going to be around for long. You can’t afford to miss some of the more important topics broached in Lynne’s biography — things like when and how to introduce sex and drugs into your child’s daily routine. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” never even touches on that stuff! According to Female First

Lynne Spears’ shocking revelations claim Britney began drinking at 13 and was allegedly caught with cocaine and cannabis on a private jet when she was just 16.

Dispelling claims Britney lost her virginity to her former boyfriend Justin Timberlake, Lynne says her daughter first had sex with an 18-year-old football player while she attended her local high school in Kentwood.

Lynne admits she allowed [16-year old] Britney to sleep with Justin [and says she] regrets handing control of Britney’s career over to her managers and allowing her to be promoted as a sex object.

I guess once you find out that there’s an age minimum on internet porn and child labor is frowned upon in the States, the only logical thing to do is feed your child to the Hollywood Industry Machine for a quick buck and hope she doesn’t kill herself in the end. Provided there wasn’t a Sarlaac wielding a paycheck or a virgin-hungry volcano spraying stock options anywhere around, of course. A mom can dream, can’t she?

Britney poolside in Vegas: