Kanye West apologized yet again for his little spectacle at the VMAs Sunday night on Jay Leno’s new show, where he was slated to perform with Jay-Z and Rihanna but ended up sitting down as a guest, because — as you suspected — it’s all about him. He said

“It’s been extremely difficult, just dealing with the fact that I took anything away, you know, from anyone. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve. Because I am a celebrity, and that’s something I have to deal with. Obviously, I deal with hurt.

So many celebrities, they never take time off. I’ve never taken the time off to really - you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I only wanted to help people. My entire life, I’ve only wanted to give and do something that I felt was right.

If there’s anything I could do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I’d like - you know, I want to live this thing. It’s hard sometimes.

Yep, you read that right. It’s hard being Kanye West. His little outburst was because he likes helping people. He insults and steps on because he hurts. Well, you know what else hurts? Hot lead moving at 1500 feet per second through the walls of the lower intestine fired out of a shotgun lodged in a man’s anus. Just putting that out there.

UPDATE: Now with 100% more President Barack Obama burn action!

Hey campers.  It’s Sarah today.  Abby’s on vacation and I’m sick as shit, so let’s just cut right to the chase and have a nice chat about what a goddamn crybaby little bitch Kanye West is (not that this should surprise anyone who’s ever heard of the interwebs or music or television or assholes).  Remember back in 2006 when Kanye said he should be part of the Bible?  What about the 2006 MTV EMAs in Copenhagen when Kanye rushed the stage and had a temper tantrum because he didn’t win Video of the Year?  I mean Jesus, just look at the expression on Timbaland’s face around the 3:10 mark:

In 2007, Kanye made an appearance at Al Gore’s “Live Earth” global benefit concert and danced like a monkey because he was getting paid, then turned around and went right back to having $4000 meals flown halfway around the world just so his ass could feel fancy.  Then there were the 2007 MTV VMAs when Kanye pitched a hissy backstage after failing to win in any of the five categories for which he was nominated:

He wasn’t done pouting like a little girl, though.  He followed that up with more than a week of missed performances and interviews.  Kanye spent the majority of 2008 getting arrested for assault, and in the spring of 2009 he went on VH1’s Storytellers and went out of his way to sound as arrogant and retarded as possible.

Kanye West has spent the last few years doing everything in his power to be the most selfish, immature, tantrum-throwing diva in the world and he doesn’t give a fuck about other people, so what happened at last night’s 2009 MTV VMAs cannot possibly come as a shock to anyone.  Taylor Swift was a surprise winner for Best Female Video, and Kanye jumped on stage, grabbed the microphone from her and started yelling about how Beyoncé had “one of the best videos of all time”.  Poor Taylor had no idea what the hell to do and just stood there frozen:

“I was standing on stage and I was really excited because I’d just won the award and then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage,” Swift recalled after the show. “And then I wasn’t excited anymore after that.”

Jesus, what a goddamn jackass.  Taylor Swift is 19 years old.  Nineteen.  She’s a KID.  That’s like running up to a tiny tot on the beach and taking a dump on their sandcastle whilst shrieking about how you once knew a dude who turned sand into fairy dust with his mind.  It makes you look unhinged and disgusting, and it makes everyone else totally uncomfortable.  Also, fairy dust is fake and pointlessly glittery, just like Beyoncé.

Hello, my lovelies.  This is Sarah, and as Abby told you yesterday, she’ll be back on Monday.  In the meantime, you’re stuck with me… and I’ve been sick most of this week, so it should be just like finding a basket of kittens on your doorstep.  If the kittens had rabies.

So anyway, there’s been a bit of hoopla about whether Britney Spears will be stumbling around and wailing performing again at this year’s VMAs.  If we can trust a damn thing Russell Brand says, it turns out that’s not true.  According to US Weekly:

British comic Russell Brand won’t spill the beans on what exactly Britney Spears will do when she opens Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards.

But he’ll tell you this much: “She’s not serving canapés or doing a bizarre haircut on herself!” he said on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show Thursday.

“She’s not performing, but she’s certainly doing [the show] in a professional capacity,” said Brand, 33, who serves as host.

Okay, first of all, Russell Brand is only 33?  The hell?  Is that in dog years?  This dude kinda makes Pete Doherty look fresh as a damn daisy.  But I digress.  It would seem Britney’s not “singing” this year, but will be rolled out like King Kong in a cage so everyone can marvel at the taming of the beast.  I’m not really sure why this is supposed to be surprising.

Of course Britney’s gonna open the VMAs.  She’s a walking spectacle, and MTV is a loyal suscriber to the philosophy that there is no such thing as bad publicity.  Besides, lord knows MTV could use all the help it can get in appearing relevant.  Their biggest stars are Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag!  Compared to those two, Britney Spears is a national treasure.  Even if she falls on her ass, starts crying and begs to blow Russell Brand onstage while he rips out her weave, it will still be the best thing to happen to that boring-ass awards show since the last time she fell apart for fun and profit.

Here is the other of the “elephant in the room” promos Britney shot with British comedian Russell Brand for the MTV Video Music Awards. And as you can see, she does not play the part of the elephant. Apparently the execs at MTV wanted the lumbering land mammal in the commercial to have an actual trunk. Those head honcho-types can be so picky!

Britney pachydermying it up in Malibu yesterday: