The Japenese live longer, do better on international mathematics assessment tests, make better cars, and now they do haute couture better, too. Damn. The Asian philosophy of kaizen must go double for boobies!

Daria Werbooby Werbowy in the December issue of Japanese Vogue (all thumbs NSFW):

These pictures of Charlize Theron in the September issue of Vogue magazine are classy, refined, and altogether tasteful. In other words, incredibly boring. Knock yourselves out, squares.

Lindsay Lohan is hailed as the new Marilyn Monroe on the cover of the August issue of Spanish Vogue. The “new” Marilyn. For the record, this is the old Marilyn. Now here’s the “new” Marilyn. You can call last year’s Ford Focus the new ‘64 Ferrari 250 LM, but that doesn’t mean it’s still not the automotive equivalent of a can of fucking spam.

Scarlett Johansson is on the April 2009 cover of Vogue Paris, looking like she could fall asleep at any second as the magazine labels her “The Anti-Marilyn” (as in Monroe).

Whatever, France.  Marilyn Monroe may have been a bipolar pill popping floozy, but she was at least 763% more interesting and charismatic than stupid dumb Scarlett Johansson.  The only things ScarJo has going for her are a fantastic rack and a smokin’ husband.  From the neck up, she’s usually at least eight kinds of hot mess, and every time she opens her mouth she somehow manages to be both completely jackassy and intensely boring at the same time.  Also, nobody wants to be this familiar with her nostrils.  Knock it off, France.  Go do something useful.  Make me some brie.  With sliced strawberries.  And those tiny toast crackers that taste kinda like unseasoned croutons.  Jesus, I’m starving.  Fix it, France!  Lazy bastards.

The real Marilyn:

Since it is seriously the slowest news day ever, here’s Anne Hathaway being boringly gorgeous (as always) in the January ‘09 issue of Vogue.  If she could just work with me here and date another swindler or something, it would really help me out.  It would be even better if she started swindling people her own self.  Or maybe if she had a torrid affair with a married professional athlete, or started her own crazy religion.  I would even be willing to accept a fake lesbian relationship!  Something.  ANYTHING.  I mean, c’mon lady.  Stop being so damn normal.  Spice it up a little!

Jennifer Aniston makes the mistake of deeming Angelina Jolie “uncool” in the upcoming issue of Vogue magazine over comments Angie made about her and Brad’s burgeoning relationship in a Vogue interview last year. The NY Daily News says

Jennifer Aniston wishes Angelina Jolie could have just kept her trap shut.

“What Angelina did was very uncool,” Aniston declares. “There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening,” says Aniston about how Jolie gushed about the excitement of seeing her then married “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” co-star Pitt everyday. “I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss.”

Jennifer Aniston calling Angelina Jolie “uncool” is like Strom Thurmond calling Miley Cyrus “old.” And for the record, Strom Thurmond has been fucking dead for five years. You do the math.

Angelina at the Kung Fu Panda DVD release party November 10th: