Hot on the heels of being named Forbes’ Most Powerful Celebrity of 2012, 42-year old Jennifer Lopez has decided to leave the show that single-handedly resurrected her floundering career and landed her endorsement deals with both L’Oreal and Gillette. So why pass on another twenty-million dollar American Idol paycheck? Two words: Enrique Iglesias. Seriously. Us Magazine says:

This summer, [Lopez] will embark on a 20-city tour of the U.S. and Latin America with Enrique Iglesias with dates that conflict with Idol’s pre-taping schedule; she’s also in the midst of recording a new album [and] numerous film projects… including a role in this summer’s Ice Age 4: Continental Drift.

Passing on twenty million for Enrique fucking Iglesias? He doesn’t even have the mole anymore! At best, you’re looking at one, maybe two mil for him on the black market. That’s a little too much risk and not enough return if you ask me.

In the June issue of Vogue magazine:

It had been a dishearteningly nipple-free Friday until I stumbled across these pictures of Candice Swanepoel topless in Vogue Italia. Frankly, I can’t think of a better way to kick-start your weekend.

I know when I think “withered-up prune puss,” one of the first names that comes to mind is Kris Jenner, so it makes sense that she’d be chosen as the spokemodel for the a new female sexual enhancement product called Zestra. And also, there’s nothing that bitch won’t slap her name on. No-thing. The Daily Mail says:

In a statement the mother-of-six said: ‘I’ve been lucky enough to discover a new, amazing, revolutionary product that helps women get in the mood and ready for romance in minutes.

‘It’s forever changed my experience in the bedroom and I’m sure it will do the same for you.

‘And, who wouldn’t want to try something that works in minutes and makes sex feel… well, amazing? I love instant gratification.’

Not surprisingly, however, the product is crap and doesn’t work. Just ask anyone stupid enough to trust their genitals to Kris Jenner. They’ll tell you:

Zestra currently holds a two star rating overall on Amazon, with most users only marking it one out of five.

One user said: ‘I would have enjoyed a lit stick of dynamite more,” while another [user added]: ‘This stuff smells like dirty bacon grease.’

Not just any bacon grease, mind you — dirty bacon grease. Trust me, a conesuuier of pork products like myself can definitely tell a difference.

VS model Adriana Lima in Vogue Brasil, because she doesn’t smell like rancid bacon rinds:

I’m not sure what it is that makes Lana del Rey the “gangsta” version of Nancy Sinatra, unless her gold fronts and her corn-chip nail-tips are supposed to be her gangsta flair. Personally, I find it really looks more like the flair you’d see at a TGI Fridays.

Newly-released audio of the 911 call (listen after the jump) placed from Demi Moore’s home the night she was hospitalized after having a seizure suggest that not only was she high on whip-its — she’d also been smoking incense laced with synthetic cannabinoids, or “Spice” as it’s known around most middle schools. Radar Online says:

[The caller can be heard telling the 911 operator]: “She smoked something, it’s not marijuana, it’s similar to incense. She seems to be having convulsions.”

Addiction specialist Dr. Phil Dembo… believes Moore was smoking K2 Spice, which is currently legal in the U.S. but under investigation by the Drug Enforcement Agency.

“It sounds like Demi smoked K2 Spice,” Dr. Dembo, who has not treated Moore, said. “The problem with synthetics of any kind is they can cause anxiety or depression and cause panic or hyperventilation type of experience. There is racing of your body and those things chemically take you over.”

Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel has nothing to do with Demi Moore or pititful seventh-grade emo cutter attempts at substance abuse, but she has very, very shiny limbs, and you know how easily distracted I am by anything shiny. I’m curious like a cat. And that’s why my friends call me “Whiskers,” not because I had a chin hair that grew almost an inch long before I finally noticed it. I’m pretty sure that was just a coincidence.

Candice Swanepoel in Vogue China:

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I wanna hate Taylor Swift, I really do… but I just can’t. She’s just too fucking nice. She can actually play an instrument and sing on key without the help of a computer. She’s from the South. She’s beautiful. In a world of puss-groping Rihannas and tit-spraying Katy Perrys, she’s a breath of fresh air. That said, if you ever mention this to anybody, I’m totally kicking your ass. I mean it. I’ll clean your clock and then kick your ass for not knowing what time it is. That’s just how I roll.

Looking all sexy and Brigitte Bardot-y:

I’ll tell you one thing about Bar Refeali — the juice would definitely be worth the squeeze. Although you could hardly call 1200 volts to the lower back a “squeeze,” unless you’re talking about the involuntary clenching of your ass cheeks when those little metal prongs first hit your spine. Those fuckers she rolls with have tased me before.

Charlize Theron does a modern take on the mythical sirens of Ancient Greece for the December issue of Vogue magazine. I’ll admit, she’s definitely got the face and figure that would drive sea-faring sailors to madness. Provided the scurvy and syphilis hadn’t already done it first.

Usually if somebody tells me they’re gonna give it to me in German, I assume it means I should bite down on the leash and hope my spine doesn’t telescope from the impact, but luckily, that’s not the case here. It’s just Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s nipples in German Vogue. You can stop cowering in the corner and sucking your thumb now.

Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel has a sexy ten-page spread in next month’s issue of Vogue Brasil, which really makes me wish I hadn’t gone with Vogue Ecuadorial Guinea. And I was so sure malaria and the Tsetse fly were gonna be this season’s must-have accessories!

I’ve been telling people for years that pants are a complete waste of time, but everybody always acted like I was some kind of pervert for not wearing them. Shows you. Rihanna isn’t wearing pants and she’s in Vogue, baby. Vogue. Fashion’s holy grail. Now maybe you’ll believe me when I say that bras are so last year.

From the neck down, this is the best I’ve ever seen Michelle Williams look. The rest of her just looks like LeAnn Rimes doing “Pagliacci” in a bad Katherine Heigl wig.