The white Kaufman Franco dress Jennifer Lopez wore to the Vegas premiere of “Parker” fit like a sausage casing and featured clear mesh slits down either side so it would be blistering clear that she wasn’t wearing underpants. Just awful. It looks like a porn star’s wedding gown. I guess this is what you wear when your “No Panties, No Problem” t-shirt is still in the wash. Fashion FAIL.

She might have forgotten underpants, but one thing she didn’t forget was her makeup gun, which was evidently still set on “RuPaul” from last week. Strike two, Jenny from the Block.

Michelle Rodriguez is the kind of chick you find peeing standing up in the parking lot when your Dad makes the mistake of stopping at a Denny’s two blocks from a lesbian biker bar in northern Daytona at two in the morning because you didn’t go when your mom told you to back in Jacksonville and there’s no way you’re holding it another hour to Orlando. You can almost feel the hot sting of shame and splattered stranger-urine as your mother shakes her head and mouths “I TOLD you to go when we stopped!” from the front passenger window.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I haven’t seen this bad of acting since I came home and my ex was fist-deep into some slut’s poonany on our bed. He plastered on his best “concerned” face and said he lost his watch in there. When I asked him what he was doing to get his watch lost in there in the first place, he high-kicked out of the room lifting an imaginary hat, singing “Hello My Ragtime Gal”. Nice try, bub. Here’s Heidi Montag trying her best to look like she did not, in fact, yank down her own top.

Tons of pictures in Costa Rica, because paparazzi love a camera whore:

Crack might be “wack,” and crack might be “cheap,” but judging by her X Factor performance on Sunday night, Whitney Houston is back to basin’ again (FF to the 4:00 mark for the especially crack-y stuff). Star Magazine says

The admitted drug user’s bizarre appearance on Britain’s The X Factor raised eyebrows Sunday, as she nervously struggled through her song “Million Dollar Bill,” and seemed disoriented during the interview afterward.

When asked by the host when her album was to be released, Whitney paused and stared at the ground before stammering, “Yeah, the um…the album? It should released this weekend or next week sometime. I’ll be back here in April for the tour.”

When [the host] asked her what she thought of the talent, Whitney again looked at the floor for the answer. “I thought that they were…um…how do I put this? Really good.” Then she fiddled with her nose and added, “So that’s um…they’re young.”

Jesus Christ she’s freakin’ twitchy! All that’s missing is a herkie into a pile of folding chairs and a nervous smelling of the fingers she had shoved under her armpits during her Meredith Baxter-Birney monologue and she could be the old black version of Mary Katherine Gallagher.

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