It just might be that this time in the never-ending saga of Lindsay Lohan’s legal woes, Lady Justice won’t be bent over and violated in the name of celebrity leniency. I’m sure she’s happy about that possibility. She seems to be fucked a lot these days. Says OK! Magazine,

Lindsay Lohan arrived to her arraignment hearing to face a felony grand-theft charge today in L.A. looking more like she was heading to the club, not court. She was, however, 20 minutes early, but she is still in hot water. She was just remanded into custody after a direct warning from Judge Keith Schwartz.

Lindsay entered a not guilty plea in her felony theft case, TMZ reports, and the judge certainly laid down the law.

While he set her bail at $20,000, he issued a warning to the 24-year-old troubled starlet.

“I’m trying to put this at polite as possible because of all the media interest here,” Judge Schwartz began his lecture. “You are in a different situation now that a felony has been filed against you. Until a resolution is released, if you violate the law I will remand you with no bail.”

“You need to follow the laws just like everyone else. You’re no different then anyone else so please don’t push your luck. I’m telling you things will be different.”

Lindsay was also ordered to stay away from the jewelry store during the case after L.A. County Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers mentioned flowers had been delivered to the store.

It was not confirmed that LiLo or her camp sent the flowers, but that idea seem to be strongly suggested.

Ha ha, she makes off with a $2500 necklace, pretends that she thought the jewelry store let her “borrow” it, and she thinks that sending flowers is gonna make it all nice? Bitch, please. You should have at least added a signing telegram with it.

Showing up to court:

Lindsay Lohan has 4 more days of freedom left before she heads into the clinker to serve her 90-day sentence, and she’s being warned that time in a solo cell might not be the piece of cake everyone thinks it’ll be. I can only hope it’s true. Says Popeater,

“Everyone will want a piece of her. It will make them famous if they hurt Lindsay Lohan,” Tamara Haley, a 38-year-old doing time for heroin possession and prostitution, told British tabloid The Sun. “Or if you get her to cry, the whole ward will laugh and people will love it.”

Haley warned that Lohan’s situation, in a solo cell away from most inmates, won’t be a cake walk. “She’ll be segregated from the general population, but where she’s going it is even worse. It’s the wing where the murderers are. I don’t think they will actually be able to get to her, but you never know. At the very least some of those hardcases will try to scare her.”

A source this week Star Magazine that Lindsay had made terrifying remarks after her court sentencing. “She just kept repeating, ‘I can’t go to jail,’ and, ‘I’ll kill myself first.’”

The biggest challenges Lindsay will face may come from physical conditions at the jail and her own sanity, Haley says. “I’ve been in segregation and it was rough. The lights are on the whole time. You hear people screaming all night long. The cells are filthy and kept brutally cold. You get one tiny blanket and that’s it. There’s an infection going around now. You can barely sleep at night from all the coughing.”

I wish I could pull up a chair with some popcorn and a soda and see what transpires. The only bummer is that she’ll probably be stoned out of her gourd with her cocktail of Ambien, Adderall and Dilaudid the whole 3 weeks she’ll probably end up serving.  Through the haze of her drugs, she’d probably think a beat-down was a barrage of marshmallows raining down from a lemon custard sky,  and the yells and taunts would seem like the buzzing of bees drinking nectar from the flowers floating through the air. Sucks. There’s always something to rain on my parade!

Going to a studio for an interview in Culver City with mom Dina Lohan:

I’ve never watched Orca Oprah before. She’s always spouting her opinion and there’s all her little sycophantic followers who do whatever she says, reads whatever she tells them to read, and act like every word that comes from her mouth is gospel truth. But for once I have to agree with her. Friday she had a message for Rihanna–Run, bitch! The Daily News says,

Oprah Winfrey has a message for pop princess Rihanna, who prosecutors say was beaten to a pulp last month by boyfriend Chris Brown: “He will hit you again.”
Former Manhattan sex-crimes prosecutor Linda Fairstein’s warning is starker: He also could kill you.

Fairstein compared the fist-happy crooner to O.J. Simpson, who repeatedly beat his wife without consequence before she was slain in 1994.

“Love doesn’t hurt,” Winfrey said on her show Friday, while announcing she will dedicate a program this week to discussing domestic violence.

“I want to do a show about it, dedicated to all the Rihannas of the world.”

Speaking directly into the camera, Winfrey said, “If a man hits you once, he will hit you again. He will hit you again.”

“Many of the circumstances in her case were like the early warning signs in the O.J. Simpson case,” Fairstein said.

She pointed to several “red flags” that suggest Rihanna could be in the same danger as Nicole Brown Simpson was 15 years ago, getting hit repeatedly but not pressing charges and then reconciling with the former running back.

The allegation that Chris Brown choked Rihanna while saying “Now I’m really going to kill you” is a particularly bad sign, Fairstein said.

“Choking behavior is a very interesting factor. It’s hands on, face-to-face. It’s a very intimate type of violence,” she said.

Love doesn’t hurt? I guess Oprah’s never had the Jumbo Inflatable Dildo shoved up her hoo-ha. That sucker will have you walking like a cowboy for a week. Love hurts, but sometime’s it’s a good hurt, and it feels like I’m alive.