Now that he’s amassed the most Twitter followers EVER in 24-hour period, Charlie Sheen took to UStream to broadcast his own live webcast Saturday night. Just like iCarly, but with more nicotine and KY stains. The Daily Mail says:

The show, called Sheen’s Korner, streamed live on UStream.tv and attracted 104,000 viewers in the first 15 minutes.

The actor, who was visibly sweating in a black T-shirt with a green dollar sign on it, was joined by his assistant [and one of his] girlfriends at his Sherman Oaks home.

Reading from a series of cue cards and notes Sheen delivered a radio-type show to fans [and] revealed a new ‘winning’ tattoo on his left wrist.

He also said he was watching himself in Apocalypse Now on a loop and showed the camera a scene where Harrison Ford’s character tells him to ‘terminate with extreme prejudice’.

He ended the show by reading poetry and promising to return the next night. ‘Trolls beware,’ said Sheen before the screen went blank.

After the spectacular “media tsunami” Charlie’s been commandeering for the last two weeks, Sheen’s Korner proved to be huge disappointment. Unless you have an hour and a bottle of Wild Turkey to kill, you’re better off watching Bill Hader’s version on SNL this weekend (after the jump).

Charlie’s smokin-hot ex-wife Denise Richards in L.A. yesterday:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

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A 3 minute clip from Tila Tequila’s yet-to-be-released lesbian threesome sex tape has leaked online (watch it here), and mother of God is it disgusting. I actually have a vagina, and even I don’t know what I’m seeing in half of the pics. Like (NSFW) here, for instance. What the fuck IS that? Is it the tip of an elephant’s trunk? The all-seeing eye of Sauron? Am I looking into the Sarlaac in the Great Pit of Carkoon? I don’t know whether to be terrified or aroused, so I’m going to go with my gut and just start drinking.

Puppy thumbnails are extremely NSFW screen caps:

I’m a little tardy to the party on this one thanks to those server issues we had last week, but Kim Kardashian debuted her new single and a head full of cornrows New Year’s Eve at Tao, and I’d be failing you as a celebrity gossip blogger and a person not to post it for your amusement. Yahoo says:

The reality bombshell sported the [cornrow] braids for the music video for her first-ever single, which she debuted at Tao nightclub in Vegas on New Year’s Eve.

As for the song? Hmmmmm. Let’s just say that Paris Hilton’s past musical attempt (“Stars Are Blind”) is somewhat catchier, if no less Auto-tuned.

I can’t think of anything more insulting than having your new single deemed a second-rate Paris Hilton song. I was gonna say something like, “Kim should be glad her real dad’s dead, because he would have died of sheer embarrassment after hearing that piece of shit,” but it just didn’t seem as vicious and mean-spiritied. I tip my hat to you, Yahoo!

Because there’s nothing sexier than visible scalp:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Katy Perry finally had an opportunity to address the controversy surrounding her choice of outfit for her Sesame Street cameo last week, and she did it with the usual grace and aplomb you’ve come to expect. That is, she stuffed her tits into a five-sizes-too-small Elmo shirt and bounced up and down and shimmied and shook like someone suffering a Ritalin-induced seizure on SNL this weekend. Check and mate, you stupid uptight parents!

With only five days to practice after shooting for the third season of Jersey Shore wrapped, The Situation tied for last place on the Dancing With the Stars premiere last night. According to Us Magazine:

The Situation said [before the show], “I am most worried about not being prepared for my first dance.”

And he wasn’t.

Of his cha cha, judge Len Goodman said, “It lacked polish. You’ve got the guns, but not the ammunition. Better luck next week.” Bruno Tonioli told him, “You’re gonna look like a jackass if you carry on like that… you have to take this seriously.”

He and partner Karina Smirnoff walked away with 15 out of 30, tying Margaret Cho and David Hasselhoff for the lowest score of the night.

I don’t think telling The Situation that he’s gonna “look like a jackass” if he keeps it up is gonna light any kind of fire underneath him. He’s already made millions by looking like a jackass on Jersey Shore, and said jackassery is what landed him on DWTS in the first place. That’s like trying to threaten Britney Spears with a pound of bacon and one of those nut-covered cheese logs.

The Situation, Audrina Patridge, and Sarah Palin (Hasselhoff after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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The MTV Video Music Awards were last night and I am contractually obligated to talk about it, so let’s talk about it, shall we? It was alright, I guess, for an award show sponsored by the soul-sucking corporate conglomeration responsible for the talentless and plastic being propped up by the media machines intent on capitalizing on their image. You know, as those things go.

The night kicked off with a hilariously embarrassing pre-taped Lindsay Lohan skit (see above) in which she admonishes host Chelsea Handler about her drinking. Ha ha, get it? Because Lindsay was in jail for drinking! It’s ironic, see? Us Magazine says:

VMAs host Chelsea Handler, wearing a pre-show robe, encounters Lohan backstage.

“Hello, Chelsea,” Lohan says. “Have you been drinking?”

Handler denies it, but Lohan asks: “Then why is your ankle bracelet going off?” pointing a blinking device on Handler’s leg.

The comedienne explains: “That just means my table’s ready at Cheesecake Factory.” Lohan then gets tough, grabbing Handler: “Wake up Handler! Pull it together! You’re late! [for the show]”

“You turned your life around,” Handler surmises. “Maybe I can too.”

Just because you have to piss in a cup twice a week and give it to a probation officer doesn’t mean you’ve embraced sobriety and turned your life around. The skit would have been a lot funnier if she actually had proven she was sober. But I digress. Let’s move on to Taylor Swift, who, incidentally, still hasn’t moved on from Kanye West storming the stage when she accepted her Best Female Video award last year. In fact, she’s here to sing a song about it:

And then Kanye responded to her melodious offer of forgiveness with a toast to the “douchebags, the assholes, the jerkoffs and the scumbags.” Man, this never gets old!

And then Lady Gaga won every meaningless award possible, changed dresses three times, and finally ended up wearing a frock made of (fake) meat that exposed her ass. That’s about all I remember. By that point I was too busy mourning the part of me that died inside after having to watch it. And by “mourning” I mean “drinking.” I find disgust and disillusionment go down a lot easier with a bottle of tequila.

After showing up 90 minutes late to their performance in Dublin, Guns ‘n Roses were treated to a chorus of boos and fuck yous and then a couple of beer bottles were hurled on stage. That’s when Axl Rose — who offered no apology or explanation for the hour and half delay — got all pissy and said,

“Here’s the deal. One more bottle, we go home. It’s up to you. We would like to stay. You wanna us to stay? We wanna stay. We wanna have some fun. If you don’t wanna have fun, all you gotta do is let us know, and we got no problem… we’ll go on our way.”

That’s about the time some one chucked another bottle at him. What did he expect? When left to their own devices, the Irish drink and get angry. It’s pretty much their whole M.O. It’s just usually the wives and kids who take the brunt of the beatings.

Pink was rushed to hospital in Germany last night after one of her Cirque de Soleil-style Funhouse tour stunts went wrong. The Daily Mail says:

The 30-year-old singer, who is famous for her acrobatic stage routines, fell out of a harness [eight feet] above the stage.

Pink was then rushed off stage and taken to a nearby hospital by ambulance. The singer quickly took to her Twitter page to reassure fans who were left terrified by the dramatic accident.

She wrote: ‘To all my nurnberg fans- I am so so so sorry to end the show that way.I am embarassed and very sorry. I’m in ambulance now but I will b fine.

Didn’t get clipped in2 harness correctly,drug me off stage, fell in2 barricade. Getting xrays.I hope it at least looked cool!!!

Nothings broken, no fluid in the lungs, just seriously sore. I made that barricade my b*tch!!!! Thanx nurnberg:(‘

Good thing nothing was broken. Otherwise, the Germans might have taken her out back and shot her. You can see how an EMT could easily mistake Pink for a Clydesdale without the benefit of daylight.

American Idol really pulled out all the stops for Simon Cowell’s farewell appearance on the season finale last night: there were performances by the Bee Gees, Hall and Oates, Michael McDonald, Alice Cooper, Joe Cocker and Bret Michaels. I didn’t actually watch because I don’t give a fuck, but I think it’s safe to assume they all arrived in a DeLorean after making the jump from the year 1985.

Oh, and someone named Lee DeWyse won. I’m pretty sure his picture’s in there somewhere (ten more after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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Jesse James publicly offered up an excuse for his multiple affairs on ABC’s Nightline last night: his sad feelings about his dad beating him when he was a little kid made him do it. He said in the interview:

“Bike builder, Monster Garage TV star, all that stuff is a huge smokescreen so that people won’t see that I’m a scared, abused kid, a seven-year-old. [My father] beat my ass pretty good… I just remember, like, clinched teeth, strained-neck look on his face. My whole childhood, I was always scared.”

“[One time my dad was chasing me in the dark and] I tripped and snapped my wrist and I remember my dad laughed at me when I hit the ground and called me a dummy. I was petrified of my dad. I was a terrorized kid and, I mean, it’s really tough for me to think about now because… [my daughter] is the age that I was when my dad broke my arm.”

Unless his dad beat him with biker chick fetish magazines and white supremacist porn, I fail to see the correlation between his affairs and his abuse. I don’t buy into that whole culture of victimhood rhetoric. Your “feelings of worthlessness,” your “self-sabotage,” your “innate struggle between Eros and Thanatos” — all of it’s bullshit, every last bit of it. You want to assign blame, you need to start pointing the finger where it belongs: at the Jews.

Watch the interview after the jump.

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Kim Kardashian went on Nightline last night to address those persistent allegations that she’s undergone plastic surgery (video after the jump). Us Magazine says

“I’m totally not against plastic surgery,” she explains. “I’ve tried Botox before. That’s the only thing that I’ve done. I’ve never had my nose done. It’s my biggest insecurity. I always want to get my nose done… I went to the doctor, I had them take the pictures, he showed me what it would look like and it just didn’t — I wouldn’t look the same.”

What about her famous cleavage?

“Trust me honey,” she jokes. “if I take this bra off you will tell me I need to get them done.”

Yep, Kim Kardashian is totally 100% all natural. Except for the Botox, I mean. Oh, and the hair. The hair isn’t hers, either. And her skin’s not really that color. And the eyelashes are fake. Other than that, though, she’s all real. Just like my 24-karat imitation gold ring with genuine cubic zirconia inlay.

Being natural as ever in L.A. earlier this month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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A sex tape Chelsea Handler made nearly twenty years ago “as a joke” has resurfaced like a rogue turd that didn’t make it down on the first flush. Unfortunately, there’s no Chuy involved in the video. Radar Online says

[We have] viewed the graphic tape, which was made nearly a decade ago after Chelsea moved to Los Angeles. During the first part of the tape, Chelsea is fully clothed. She begins by introducing herself by name before going into a stand-up routine before suddenly cutting to Chelsea and her male partner engaging in an explicit sex act.

Chelsea, who is on all fours on a bed is naked and looks directly at the camera. Her breasts are bare and swinging during the sex act. At the end of the “performance”, Chelsea’s partner speaks in a clear British accent, asking, “Did we get the [cum] shot?” Chelsea looks into the camera and smiles at this point. Then the tape immediately cuts back into Chelsea continuing her stand-up routine in her apartment.

So what part of that was the “joke,” exactly? Well…

“This is an old demo tape that Chelsea had put together just a couple years after moving out to Hollywood when she was trying to make it as a comedienne,” the source said.

“Chelsea gave this demo tape to a bunch of talent agents and managers hoping to book some gigs. It was taken so long ago and distributed on old VHS tapes, that I’m sure most people just threw them out because her stand-up was so bad and they didn’t realize she would make it big one day. It’s highly possible that many of the recipients of the tape didn’t even watch past the first couple of minutes and missed the sex tape part altogether.”

Ah. It was a work joke. I see. But when I send a sex tape to the boys in HR, it’s “cause for termination.” You gotta love how things work on the West Coast. Anyway, Chelsea herself confirmed the existence of the tape on her show “Chelsea Lately”last night, saying:

“I would like to say to RadarOnline.com, thanks for ruining my surprise Christmas gift to my staff, and number two, it was made as a joke. I put it on an audition tape for a comedy club, because I’m a comedienne, and I’ve been showing it at birthday parties for [fucking] years!”

Which I imagine is why she never gets invited to her nieces’ birthdays anymore. The management at Chuck E. Cheese always freaks out when they see vaginal penetration.

With Chuy at some gay thing last year here; watch her Chelsea Lately response from last night after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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