Beyonce did a little stage-diving in the crowd Monday night at London’s O2 arena as she wrapped up her hit song Halo in a free concert for her fans. What the video doesn’t show is the aftermath of hundreds of people’s spines simultaneously telescoping and discs herniating and lumbars spasming before they collapsed to the floor. I bet it looked just like Moses parting the Red Sea, only with more involuntary loss of bowel control and sobbing.
This clip from Carmen Electra’s supposedly “leaked” sex tape features no boobies, no vaginas, and hardly any tongue at all. It’s real Rebecca Gayheart home video quality, let me tell you. I’m not going to come straight out and say it’s boring, but you should know I got a bigger boner watching “The Life Cycles of the Mealworm” while alphabetizing my sock drawer. And I don’t even have a penis. So counting this video, that makes two of us with absolutely no wieners at all.
Nobody watches Gossip Girl no matter how much they push the envelope or gay it up. Point in question: Hilary Duff and Jessica Szohr’s “lesbian kiss” on Monday night’s episode. You won’t find word one about it in any magazine. I’m sure some outraged parents sent in a few spittle-flecked emails to the CW, but everybody knows that what old people say doesn’t count. Besides, I’m pretty sure I’ve kissed my own stepmother with more erotic verve and passion. And no, I don’t want to talk about it. It was late night and I had been drinking, okay? Who are you to judge me?
Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael did what any good father fearing for his daughter’s well-being would do yesterday — he went on the Maury Povich show to talk about what a used-up dead-inside whore she is. If only more dads would follow in his footsteps! TMZ says
First Mike called Lindsay a “hollow person” … then claimed there was “nothing left in her” — and finally said he “couldn’t even look at her.”
The show was called “You’re 14 … Stop Lap Dancing and Trying to Get Pregnant.”
You just can’t beat Maury Povich for a good episode title. Just for fun, I made a little test to gauge your Povich-prowess. Only three of the following ten episode titles are made up. The rest are all too real. See if you can guess which ones are the fakes! Answers after the jump.
10. Can You Save Me? I Am Terrified of Cotton Balls and Frogs!
9. I’ve Had Plastic Surgery 60 Times… I Want More
8. My Fiancee Needs to Know… I’m a Bisexual Elvis-Impersonator!
7. Shot In The Face And Set On Fire…I’m Lucky To Be Alive
6. I’m an Overweight Teen with Parkinson’s and I Won’t Stop Having Sex
5. 36 Men Tested… I’ll Prove You’re The Father Today
4. My 5 Year Old Weighs 212 Pounds
3. Violent Teen Girls Who Beat Their Families…Caught on Tape!
2. I Need to Tell You… I Was Born with Both Male and Female Genitalia
1. My Fear of Mustard and Pickles is Ruining My Life
The D.A. will not be filing charges against Joe Francis for his attack on Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole in an L.A. nightclub last August. I repeat, will NOT be filing charges. I’m guessing that like me, the D.A. spends most of his free time huffing glue and paint thinner. TMZ says
The D.A. [states] that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation” [and] thought “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.”
And how is Joe Francis is taking the news that he gets off scott-free? By suing Jayde for battery, assault, negligence, slander, libel, false light and a partridge in a pear tree, naturally!
According to the lawsuit, Francis claims he was innocently walking through a crowd of people at “Guys and Dolls” nightclub in Hollywood, when Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole suddenly struck him in the head, threw a drink on him and stated, “I’m going to kill you!”
Francis claims he saw Jayde reaching for a bottle, [and] “in fear and apprehension of being struck a third time and that Nicole was going to carry out her threat to kill him,” Joe grabbed Nicole’s hair in “self-defense.”
Joe claims Nicole fell to the ground because she “lost her balance on her high heels.”
I’ve never personally had a yeast infection, but if I did, I imagine the discharge would look and smell a lot like Joe Francis. That guy is a cuntwipe of the highest order. I’m surprised he doesn’t leave a sticky white trail and burning feminine itch wherever he goes.
ABC ran a two-part investigation into Scientology last week that explored the allegedly violent tendencies of leader David Miscavige (as well as delving into the whole “aliens and volcanoes” crap on which their religion is based) in an interview with Scientology spokesperson Tommy Davis. But it seems Tommy got cold feet after the interview, because less than an hour before it was set to air, Tommy showed up unannounced at ABC’s studio in an attempt to get the segment squashed. Page Six says
In [the] interview, Martin Bashir asked Davis to comment on the church’s bizarre founding mythology, which involves an intergalactic god named Xenu who brought his people to Earth 75 million years ago and stuffed them in a volcano.
After telling Bashir he wouldn’t discuss “disgusting perversions” of the religion, Davis, with the camera still rolling, removed his microphone and stormed off the set. The dust-up was included in the piece.
But just 45 minutes before the segment was to air on Thursday, Davis showed up at ABC headquarters on West 67th Street and asked to speak to Bashir and the show’s executive producer.
“He demanded to a security guard that he be let in,” a network insider [said]. “He was told as politely as possible that the piece could not be changed. He was then asked to leave.” Adds the source, “He was not happy.”
All this comes hot on the heels of news that Oscar-winning “Crash” director Paul Haggis has publicly resigned from the church on the basis of their gay-bashing and escalating lies, and then there’s the matter of a $900,000 fraud conviction in France today. According to Yahoo News
The court convicted the Church of Scientology’s French office, its library and six of its leaders of organized fraud, [saying] the group pressured members into paying large sums of money for questionable financial gain and used “commercial harassment” against recruits.
Four of the leaders were given suspended sentences of between 10 months and two years. The other two were given fines.
Statistics indicate that he only way this religion could be more unappealing now is if it were somehow covered with bean curd and swastikas and served on the back of Margaret Cho’s thighs.
Crack might be “wack,” and crack might be “cheap,” but judging by her X Factor performance on Sunday night, Whitney Houston is back to basin’ again (FF to the 4:00 mark for the especially crack-y stuff). Star Magazine says
The admitted drug user’s bizarre appearance on Britain’s The X Factor raised eyebrows Sunday, as she nervously struggled through her song “Million Dollar Bill,” and seemed disoriented during the interview afterward.
When asked by the host when her album was to be released, Whitney paused and stared at the ground before stammering, “Yeah, the um…the album? It should released this weekend or next week sometime. I’ll be back here in April for the tour.”
When [the host] asked her what she thought of the talent, Whitney again looked at the floor for the answer. “I thought that they were…um…how do I put this? Really good.” Then she fiddled with her nose and added, “So that’s um…they’re young.”
Jesus Christ she’s freakin’ twitchy! All that’s missing is a herkie into a pile of folding chairs and a nervous smelling of the fingers she had shoved under her armpits during her Meredith Baxter-Birney monologue and she could be the old black version of Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Kate Gosselin has gone on the offensive after her soon-to-be ex-husband Jonsecretly withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account, violating their arbitrator’s rule and leaving Kate with only $1,000 to her name just one week after he shut down production of their only source of income, “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.” She told the Today Show this morning:
“When you’ve left your children and their mother without the funds to pay for the roof over their head, it’s not acceptable. I need that money to provide for them. We were in the position after our sextuplets were born that we could not pay our bills. We did the show to provide a better life for them. Never did I think I’d be back in the same position. I have a stack of bills in my purse I can’t put in the mail.”
Kate says Jon, 32, has emptied their joint account – the one she uses to pay the bills and she says “contains all of our liquid money” – of all but $1,000 of the $231,000 that was in there, beginning on Aug. 10 and ending on Sept. 29.”
Under the rules of an arbitrator, neither spouse could take money from the account, but Kate, as the primary bill payer, could use it to pay bills provided she gave proof of her expenses.
With $230,000, you could upholster your entire bachelor pad with Ed Hardy prints and fill your whole swimming pool with 750,000 gallons of Axe deodorant body spray. That’s more than enough fabric for a rudimentary noose and plenty of douchewater in which to drown yourself. It’d be a real shame if he let all that perfectly good money go to waste.
Wasting some of his ill-gotten gains at the Ivy this weekend:
Damn skippy she is. Holy shit.Kate Beckinsale makes that idiot Megan Fox look like a fucking amateur. And she’s four years away from being 40! I’d say 36 is the new 69! Get it? 69? God, I hate myself.
I posted a link about the “So You Think You Can Dance” vagina flasher in the quickies today, but TMZ only had the one disappointingly censored picture of Contestant #22036’s crotch. There’s where I step in with a full sixteen seconds of slow motion audition video of what may or may not be a black person, possibly a Pacific Islander, flashing the judges as she wallows in the floor. Granted, she could just be wearing a brown thong or cursed with the kind of booty fat that hangs down low and gives the appearance of being labial in nature. I don’t know. I’ve watched it three times now and I still don’t see it. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t keep trying! That’s just my strong work ethic for you.
Paula Abdul dressed up as her American Idol replacement Ellen Degeneres on last night’s Vh1 Divas Live, and it’s almost impossible to pinpoint the most shameful part of the performance, because there’s just so fucking many. Right out the door, at the 13 second mark, she emphatically lipsyncs words that aren’t there. Then there’s the 55 second mark, when she totally airballs an audience high-five. Not even close. But the worse part has to be the 1:25 mark, when she wraps up the dancing, plops down in the chair and says, “What are you all looking at? Can’t a girl try out a new job?”… and nobody laughs. Not for like five seconds. Then there’s some confused woo-ing and a smattering of applause, like they’re not sure what to do. Then she wraps that up with the 1:37 air-punch and the “hand telephone.” It’s like the television equivalent of hemorrhoid surgery. It’s that fucking painful to watch.
Bonus: Jennifer Aniston serenading the real Ellen on her show yesterday:
I guess bean sprouts and 2% body fat don’t cut it when you’re 51 — Madonna collapsed twice onstage during her Sticky & Sweet show in Bulgaria over the weekend. The Sun says
Madge lost consciousness singing Holiday and had to be held up by a dancer. Then, as she left the stage during Spanish Lesson, she passed out and fell over.
A source said: “Madge was really worried backstage. She had to sit down for a longer than usual between songs. She refused to end the show or take a break after the [first] dizzy spell. She’s suffering from exhaustion… she is anaemic.”
Has anyone considered the idea that maybe she just got tired and fell asleep? Old people like taking naps, you know. And Ovaltine and orthopedic shoes, but that’s neither here nor there.
