The second season of “Jersey Shore” is in full swing in Miami, and I know you’re dying to see what kind of new shennanigans The Situation, Snooki, the one with the big fake tits and the rest are gonna wind up in this time around. Let’s just reach into MTV’s hat of hackneyed cliches and predictable stereotypes here and pull one out — okay, let’s see… ooh, it’s a fight! While they’re drinking! This is all so unexpected! Us Magazine says
The MTV reality star was doing shots with Jenni “JWoww” Farley at Ocean’s 10 bar in Miami Saturday when a man approached her.
“This particular guy was obviously interested and she wasn’t,” a witness [said]. “She told him, ‘Don’t [fuck] with me’ so he snatched her drink and walked off.”
Snooki [then] threw a handful of food at the guy, and then slapped him on his shoulder and his face — before tossing a plastic cup at him.
The guy retaliated by dumping his own drink all over Snooki. Jwoww ran over screaming “What the [fuck] happened?” as security threw him out.
MTV cameras caught everything on tape.
Jesus, what a load of bullshit. The day the Snooki turns down unsolicited male attention is the day I take up smelting and sobriety. That fight was so fucking scripted Diablo Cody could have written it.
Don’t adjust your screen — their skin is supposed to be that color:
The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards were Saturday night — with such big winners as “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakal” for favorite movie and Miley Cyrus for favorite actress — proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that today’s kids are completely fucking retarded. And speaking of completely fucking retarded: Katy Perry, who showed up at the KCA’s dresseed like a Vegas showgirl (see thumbs below) and then took the stage with her tits falling out of a rubber minidress, got slime blasted directly in her face during the show. The Daily Mail says
The singer went up to the podium with actor Jonah Hill to present the award for Favorite Movie Actress.
But as she walked over to a stand to open the box to announce Miley Cyrus as the winner, it exploded in her face, covering her from head to toe in network’s signature bright green gunge.
Katy had the good hindsight to wear a blue wig and a tight yellow rubber dress.
Addressing [boyfriend Russell] Brand on her Twitter page before the awards, she said: ‘Word on the street is they are trying to slime me tonight @the kids choice awards! Good thing I’ve had a lot of practice right?
A lot of practice being slimed? Or a lot of practice taking a big load to the face? Oh, come on — I’m just being rhetorical. We all know the only thing different here from her usual Saturday night is that she wasn’t already on her knees this time.
Tiger Woods gave his first interview since his November car crash and subsequent sex scandal to ESPN’s Sports Center Sunday night, but don’t get too excited, because he didn’t say anything he hadn’t already said before. People magazine reports
“I was living a life of a lie, I really was,” a sober-sounding Woods told ESPN [in the five-minute interview]. “Stripping away denial and rationalization you start coming to the truth of who you really are and that can be very ugly.”
“I hurt [my wife and mother] the most,” he said. “Those are the two people in my life who I’m closest to – and to say the things that I’ve done truthfully to them was very painful.
But why not seek help sooner? Said Woods: “I didn’t know I was that bad.”
“I’m a little nervous about [playing at the Masters April 8th], to be honest with you. It would be nice to hear a couple claps here and there,” Woods said.
“[But] I’m excited to get back and play, I’m excited to get to see the guys again,” Woods said. “But still, I still have a lot more treatment to do, and just because I’m playing, doesn’t mean [I will] stop going to treatment.”
Jesus, what a waste of five minutes of Sports Center. That was so scripted and vanilla, it could have been an episode of fucking Barney. But now for some more interesting news: Tiger has sicc’ed his lawyers on a company that has been selling sex toys using his likeness (see photo of one of the products here). Believe me, they didn’t let the last name “Woods” go to waste. According to TMZ
Tiger’s lawyer sent [a letter] to Pipedream Products — the company that is selling a line of Tiger sex toys, including blow-up Tiger sex dolls, giant condoms and a number of filthy items we won’t even try to describe.
Tiger’s lawyer demands Pipedream stop selling the porno products, recall all items that have already been distributed and then destroy or dispose them “in a manner and at a time as directed by Tiger Woods.”
The official video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” featuring Beyonce hit the interwebs today, and it’s big ol’ hot mess of “Kill Bill” meets “Thelma and Louise,” but without any of the kitsch that made either of those movies so endearing. Us Magazine says
The [video] opens with the pop diva being escorted into a women’s prison. Two gruff female guards throw her into a cell and strip off her clothes.
Gaga, with pasties on her breasts, sheer tights, and no underwear, throws herself up against the bars of the cell; the camera blurs out the X-rated view of the star’s genitals.
Quips a guard: “I told you she didn’t have a dick.”
As the video continues, Gaga breaks out of jail with the help of the “Pussy Wagon” from Kill Bill, teams up with a flirty, pouty-mouthed Beyonce, poisons a diner full of people.
The star [said] that she wanted the “Telephone” video to convey “the idea that America is full of young people that are inundated with information and technology and turn it into something that was more of a commentary on the kind of country that we are.”
I fail to see how cigarette eyeglasses and prison yard bitch fights and high-kicking diner chefs convey any sort of message about technology’s influence on American conventions, but I’m not a big faggot with pink hair and my own gossip blog. My hair is brown, thank you very much. That must make all the difference when you’re watching this video.
For the first time in recorded history, the Academy Award’s Best Documentary Short category is getting all the attention, namely because Mrs. Garrison got up and stole some gay guy’s thunder in a move that’s being hailed as the “Kanye Moment at the Oscars.” According to MSNBC
Director-producer Roger Ross Williams took to the stage for his acceptance speech for the film “Music by Prudence,” but before long, [co-producer] Elinor Burkett stepped in to do a Kanye West-esque takeover of the mic and speech.
There’s a back story here and it involves a huge fight between the two, a lawsuit, and an even an accusation from Burkett that Williams’ mother “took her cane and blocked” her from getting up to receive the Oscar (which Williams denies).
Salon.com talked to both Burkett and Williams after the ceremony, and you can read both sides of their stories here. But that’s boring and nobody cares. Instead, enjoy my stunning visual recreation of the night’s events below, where Reggie Bush plays the black dude and Kim Kardashian in a bikini plays Mrs. Garrison, and the Costa Rican shoreline serves as the backdrop instead of the Kodak Theater stage and they make out instead of awkwardly stepping all over each other in front of an audience of millions. I find most of life is more relatable when you set it up like a second-rate porno.
The official trailer for Iron Man 2 is finally here, and it’s chock-full of “Scarlett Johansson looking sexy while wearing a leopard-print bustier” and “Scarlett Johansson crushing a man with her thighs while wearing a neoprene bodysuit.” Not to mention Mickey Rourke and a whole army of evil Iron Men and massive explosions and Nicky Fury and the Avengers and ahhhhh thbbbbpfftt. Nope, I still can’t get through that trailer without blowing my load at least once. Prepare yourself for the din of a thousand fanboys collectively crying and apologizing at once, because it’s coming.
The National Enquirer was the first to report that former crack addict Whitney Houston had relapsed last week, but her performance in Brisbane, Australia over the weekend pretty much confirmed it. The Daily Mail says
The American star struggled through the opening night of her tour and was left breathless and exhausted after just two songs.
And even more bizarrely, the 46-year-old took a 20 minute break to catch her breath mid-way through the show, [leaving] the stage for twenty minutes [while] her brother Gary Houston [sang] in her absence.
“The singer appeared disoriented,” wrote the Australian Associated Press, “but the final act faltered at the finale when she croaked her way through I Will Always Love You, pausing to get a drink and towel herself down just as she was about to hit the song’s epic high note, which she turned into a soft coo.”
“Soft coo” is putting it nicely. After you watch the “performance” (and I use that term loosely) for yourself below, I think we can all agree “Gollum-esque death rattle” is a hell of a lot more accurate. You could hack an old crow to death with a garden hoe and get the same acoustic experience as being front row at that concert. The only difference is the crow wouldn’t require a half-hour smoke break or charge you a hundred and fifty bucks for the pleasure.
Tiger Woods finally spoke publicly today about the many affairs that surfaced following his Thanksgiving accident. He said (via People Magazine):
“I want to say to each of you simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible, selfish behavior. I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.
Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior,My real apology will not come in the form of words, but my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss. What we say to each other will remain between the two of us.
I had a lot of time to think of what I have done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before.
The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable – and I am the only person to blame. I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.”
And then, in regards to rumors that his wife beat the ever-living shit out of him the night of the accident:
I have a lot to atone for, but there’s one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that: Elin never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been [any] domestic violence in our marriage. Ever.”
Praising his wife’s “enormous grace and poise,” the embattled athlete said he hoped the media would focus its attention on him and his indiscretions – not his wife or children.
I could really give a shit his stupid sexual “issues.” All I want to know is, how am I gonna get back the 20 minutes of “The Price is Right” I lost to this crap? Huh? The answer is, I can’t! You just stop and think about that, Tiger Woods.
Part one of the riveting Lindsay Lohan: Secret Celebrity Hoarder interview aired on The Insider last night. The NY Post says
The screen star’s apartment is a pigsty, with one room littered floor-to-ceiling with piles of clothes, shoes and other expensive junk.
“I try not to come in here, that’s how bad it is,” she said of the spare bedroom in the condo she moved into last year. “It gives me anxiety being in here. The clutter takes up a lot of space mentally.”
The show will hold an intervention with a professional closet organizer and help Lohan clean up [in part two of the interview, which airs tonight].
Sarah said it before, and I wholeheartedly agree: Lindsay Lohan is NOT a hoarder. Lindsay Lohan is just goddamn lazy is all. Her life is a complete fucking train wreck, so it makes sense her house would be, too. The only way I’m going to be “shocked” by The Insider’s “exclusive findings” is if it turns out those boxes are actually filled with Bibles and nineteenth century English literature.
Hey, look — someone who’s not a leathery hot mess: Cindy Crawford in Harper’s Bazaar:
I remember I was eleven years old and sitting in homeroom when I got my first period. I had to get special permission to go to the office and call my mom so she could bring me a change of underpants from home. So anyway, Mom stuffs a pair of underwear and a giant pink maxipad into a Ziploc bag and leaves it with the office secretary, who in turn sends it to my gym teacher as he’s holding a mike to call square dancing in the gym. He takes one look at it, waves the baggie over his head and announces into the mike, “Abby, your clean panties are here!” and everyone bursts into hysterical laughter and points and I cry so hard my nose bleeds. The sad part is, that wasn’t even half as embarrassing as Mariah Carey’s new video. She really ought to be goddamned ashamed of herself.
In her Dior boots with her Dior doggie in Diorville last month:
Angelina Jolie and her brother James Haven posted a video tribute to their late mother Marcheline Bertrand on the three-year anniversary of her death from cancer. The Daily Mail says
The pair have put together a clip featuring home movies while the family were in Hawaii back in 1981, when Angelina was just six years-old.
The clip shows Angelina and James as children with Marcheline near the beach in Hawaii. Marcheline is seen giggling and hugging her children before doing a hula style dance with the young Angelina.
The video begins with the words: “One place Marcheline loved was Hawaii, she made many happy memories for her family there.”The video ends with the message: “We Miss You Mom…. With Love Angelina and James.”
There’s not much that melts my cold black heart these days, but this sure did. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m going to go call my mom.
Older pics of Marcheline with then-husband Jon Voight (top); shopping with Angelina in Paris before she died (bottom):
After two years of flat-out denying it, would-be president John Edwards (shown here flashing gang signs — west sie-yeed!) is finally coming forward today to admit that he is the father of two-year old Quinn Hunter, the end result of an adulterous affair he had with campaign staffer Rielle Hunter while his wife was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. Well, technically, he’s not coming forward — Edwards prepared a written statement, and then sent “a friend” into NBC to do the talking for him. But rest assured, it’s not because he’s a coward who doesn’t want to face the public; it’s just because there’s a pending federal investigation as to whether he used campaign money to try to cover up his affair that legally prevents him from speaking about it. An all-around stand-up guy right there. Radar Online says
Through his trusted advisor Harrison Hickman, Edwards released a statement to NBC’s Today Show on Thursday saying:
“I am Quinn’s father. I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves. It was wrong for me ever to deny that she was my daughter and hopefully one day when she understands, she will forgive me.
To all those who I disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough but I am truly sorry.”
But why is he coming forward now, you ask? Because he finally realized the error of his ways? Because he finally decided to grow a backbone and be a fucking man about it? Ha ha, of course not! It’s because one of his staffers has come out with a book about how Edwards had him pretend HE was the father of the bastard child, and Edwards needed to beat him to the punch:
Edwards wanted to make his announcement before his former aide Andrew Young appears in an ABC interview and reveals how he pretended to be the baby’s father as a favor to Edwards.
Young has written a book about the situation and his interview with ABC is scheduled to air next Friday.
Edwards decided it would be less damaging for him to admit paternity via a statement before Young trumpeted the news during a network TV interview.
Yesterday afternoon, I was out riding my bike with my dog jogging on the leash beside me, because I am a good and responsible pet owner who regularly exercises my pet, and some dude in a pickup truck eases up behind me and lays on the horn to yell something obscene about my ass. The horn was so loud and so close to us that it caused my dog to break stride and dart, terrified, into a drainage ditch. Her sprinting away from the road so quickly ripped me off my bicycle and onto the asphalt, bloodying both my elbow and knee and dislocating my left pinky finger (which has made typing a real fucking treat, let me tell you). And what does this asshole do? Apologize? Get out of the truck to help me? No. He stomps on the gas and leaves me laying there, bleeding, with a no-longer-rideable bike and a fucked up arm, to walk my bike and my dog three-quarters of a fucking mile home so I can take myself to the doctor. The point of this story: I’m pretty sure the asshole in the truck was John Edwards. You gotta admit, all his standard calling cards are there.
