There are reports this morning that Mel Gibson’s mistress Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to his bastard child. Mazel Tov! Maybe they’ll call her “Sugartits.” Radar Online says
It’s official – Mel Gibson is an Octo-Dad!
Mel’s fiancé Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to their baby. And pass out the cigars because it’s a healthy baby girl.
And because Mel’s Russian lady-friend looks like she should be trolling the shores of a lake looking for children to boil in her cauldron or bake in her gingerbread oven, here’s Gwen Stefani dresses as Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl from Toy Story 2. Or possibly as anybody from Texas. It’s kinda hard to tell the difference most of the time.
Around midnight Monday night, Chris Brown took to his Twitter and posted a video montage of himself and Rihanna during happier times set to R.Kelly’s “The Way We Used To Be.” Coincidentally, his new video “I Can Transform Ya” just happens to debut on MTV today (which you can read all about in the subsequent posts). What well-planned nostalgic timing! MSNBC says
“I’m sorry y’all. Just had to post it,” was the accompanying text on the Tweet, and the post immediately following said, “For the fellas: showing emotion doesn’t make u weak … being honest makes you strong.”
I guess The Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” and Snoop Dog’s “Can You Control Yo Hoe” were just a little too uptempo for the vibe he was going for here.
Rihanna heading to a photo shoot in the Meatpacking District last week:
Long-gone are the days of matching dress shirts and Sears family portraits — Jon Gosselin is whining to anybody who’ll listen that his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is preventing him from seeing twins Cara and Maddy on their 9th birthday. According to the NY Daily News
Jon claims she wrote an email to [him] saying, “Due to recent events, it will be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here as planned. I would like to split the evening so they can see us both.”
“She’s trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn’t want to see me,” the dad claimed. “She can’t tell me what to do. I’m not going to allow it. I’m just going to stay. I own the house so I can do what I want.”
As for how he will behave once inside the family’s $1 million home, Jon said he will act like “my old self, as an avoider and passive.”
Did you get that? He’s an “avoider” and “passive.” Ah, the comfort of the psychobabble label! Is there any warmer a teat at which to suckle away any sense of personal responsibility for one’s actions? No, seriously. I’m really asking. God knows the tequila I’ve been nursing for the last six years sure isn’t doing me any favors.
Kate making fun of her controlling mommy image on Jay Leno last night:
After skewering himself in the monologue (video below), David Letterman publicly apologized to both his wife and his staff (video above) for his involvement in a Late Show sex scandal. He said (via Radar Online):
“I’m terribly sorry that I put the staff in that position. Inadvertently, I just wasn’t thinking ahead. And, moreover, the staff here has been wonderfully supportive to me, not just through this furor, but through all the years that we’ve been on television and especially all the years here at CBS, so, again, my thanks to the staff for, once again, putting up with something stupid I’ve gotten myself involved in.
Now the other thing is my wife, Regina. She has been horribly hurt by my behavior, and when something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it’s your responsibility, you try to fix it. And at that point, there’s only two things that can happen: either you’re going to make some progress and get it fixed, or you’re going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed, so let me tell you folks, I got my work cut out for me.”
That’s nice and all, but I would still like to point out that Letterman has yet to apologize to you and me for constantly subjecting us to the mental image of his soggy sixty-year-old-man balls in action. I know my mind’s eye can’t even begin the healing process without first getting a proper apology.
I dare you to find something unfunnier than Madonna and Lady Gaga’s Saturday Night Live skit. Other than my last ten posts, I mean. That’s not really even trying.
UPDATE: Now with equally unfunny screen cap action!
David Letterman admitted on CBS’ “Late Show” last night that he had been the victim of a $2 million dollar extortion attempt by a producer at “48 Hours” stemming from his sexual encounters with several women currently in his employ. Letterman, of course, has been married to Regina Lasko since March, after dating her for 23 years, but in his defense, she looks like she should be in construction, or the very least a member of the East German Hammer Throwing Team. According to Variety
On the show, Letterman sat down behind his desk and [said he had] received a package three weeks ago from someone who claimed to have information about alleged sexual relations he has had with female employees of the “Late Show.”
“I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says, ‘I know that you do some terrible, terrible things. And I can prove that you do these terrible things.’ Sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things,” Letterman said.
The host said the alleged extortion suspect claimed he planned to write both a movie screenplay and a book based on what he knew — that Letterman had engaged in sex with staffers.
Letterman said the individual threatened to go public with the allegations unless Letterman paid the person $2 million.
The host, under advisement of his attorney, met with the man on three different occasions. According to Letterman, the suspect even made it clear he knew what he was doing was illegal.
Letterman told his audience that he then contacted the Manhattan District Attorney’s Special Prosecution Bureau. The meeting with the D.A. led to a sting operation, in which Letterman met with the individual and handed the person a fake $2 million check. That person was arrested on Thursday.
$2 million? Are you kidding me? In this economy? If the extortionist had kept it reasonable, say, $500,000 and maybe the property rights to Paul Shaffer, he would have his money and his little muppet, too. Now all he’ll have to keep him company are Angelo the Serial Stabber and the nickname “Cream of Meat.”
SNL’s newest cast member Jenny Slate inadvertently dropped the F-bomb on the Megan Fox- hosted season opener of the show Saturday night. The NY Daily News says
Rookie Jenny Slate let slip the mother of all swear words in a skit in the season debut.
Slate was doing a biker chick talk-show skit with co-star Kristen Wiig when the curse word fell. “You know what? You freakin’ just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head,” Slate told Wiig.
Then she got a little too in character, adding; “You know what? You stood up for yourself, and I f—– love you for that.”
Producers replaced Slate’s mistake with “freakin’” for West Coast airings.
And that, sadly, was the most interesting moment of the entire show, which ranked between “seventh circle of hell” and “hemorrhoid surgery” on the watchability scale. A position only ever previously held by “George Lopez” and “The XFL!”
A sketch with the comedic stylings of Brian Austin Green, plus Megan’s monologue after the jump:
There’s been so much hype about Megan Fox’s lesbian kiss with Amanda Seyfried in the colossal stinkbomb “Jennifer’s Body,” but now that I’ve actually seen it, all I can think is “How the hell did I never notice all those acne scars on Megan’s face?” Jesus Christ. It looks like someone set her chin on fire and tried to put it out with an icepick. Megan should really hold out hope that Ray Liotta or Richard Belzer need a skin double in their next movie, or that “ambulatory flesh-colored relief map of Chile” is a full-time job.
You know how I always said that Megan Fox should shut her damn trap already and just stuff a sandwich in that stupid cock-holster of hers? Um, I just changed my mind. Gross.
Filming a SNL promo (video of which you can watch after the jump) with Andy Samberg:
Kanye West apologized yet again for his little spectacle at the VMAs Sunday night on Jay Leno’s new show, where he was slated to perform with Jay-Z and Rihanna but ended up sitting down as a guest, because — as you suspected — it’s all about him. He said
“It’s been extremely difficult, just dealing with the fact that I took anything away, you know, from anyone. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve. Because I am a celebrity, and that’s something I have to deal with. Obviously, I deal with hurt.
So many celebrities, they never take time off. I’ve never taken the time off to really - you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I only wanted to help people. My entire life, I’ve only wanted to give and do something that I felt was right.
If there’s anything I could do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I’d like - you know, I want to live this thing. It’s hard sometimes.
Yep, you read that right. It’s hard being Kanye West. His little outburst was because he likes helping people. He insults and steps on because he hurts. Well, you know what else hurts? Hot lead moving at 1500 feet per second through the walls of the lower intestine fired out of a shotgun lodged in a man’s anus. Just putting that out there.
UPDATE: Now with 100% more President Barack Obama burn action!
51-year old Madonna paws at her crotch and thrusts her way through her new video “Celebration,” which also boasts the “talents” of boyfriend Jesus Luz and her preteen daughter Lourdes. The Daily Mail says
Luz, posing as a topless DJ, ends up kissing the mother-of-four before the scene cuts to a troupe of breakdancers - including Madonna’s 12-year-old daughter Lourdes.
If you can’t bear watching the video (I only could because somebody’s paying me to), there’s a “spoken word portion” in which Madge whispers to Luz
Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? You look familiar… You wanna dance? Yeah?
I guess I just don’t recognize you with your clothes on. What are you waiting for?
Yeah, what are you waiting for, Jesus? Her Geritol to kick in? High five!
Anne Heche wouldn’t shut the fuck up about ex-husband Coley Lafoon on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. People Magazine says
“Can you say ‘lazy ass’ on TV?” Heche, 40, asked when he inquired about her ex, the father of her 7-year-old son, Homer.
When asked by Letterman what Laffoon does for a living, Heche [told] the audience: “He goes out to the mailbox and he opens up the little mailbox door and goes, ‘Oh! I got a check from Anne! Oh! I got a check from Anne! Yay!’ ”
“Don’t get married,” the actress advised. “Forever engaged is a wonderful romantic thing to do.”
Hey, remember that time Anne Heche said she was God and that she would take everyone back to heaven in her spaceship as soon as she took a shower at the house of the stranger onto whose doorstep she’d wandered? It was right after she took a bunch of ecstasy and recovered the repressed memory about her gay father molesting her and giving her herpes. But no, let’s talk about her vitriol for her ex-husband instead. That stuff’s waaay more interesting.
