Rebecca Black is showing all the H8RZ and trollz out there who mercilessly mocked her crapass song “Friday” that she is for realz with her new song “My Moment.” LOL OMG! People Magazine says:
Black, 14, embraces her new-found fame and takes a shot at those who made fun of her, singing, “Weren’t you the one who said that I would be nothing? Well, I’m about to prove you wrong. Said I’m doing big things, things you’ve never dreamed of. I hope you’re happy because I’m about to blow up. Haters, said I’ll see you later. Can’t talk to you right now, I’m getting my paper.”
The only part of the song I liked was the part where she said, “I’m about to blow up.” Except she never did. She doesn’t spontaneously combust, or step on a landmine, or wear a vest made of TNT. I haven’t been this disappointed since Jar Jar Binks showed up in the second Star Wars prequel.
If you took Mariah Carey’s “We Belong Together” video from 2005, an extended director’s-cut version of a David’s Bridal commercial, the hilltop scene from “The Sound of Music,” and VHS footage from your high school’s 1996 homecoming dance, you’d have Beyonce’s shitty new video for “Best Thing I Never Had.” In case lyrics like “you showed your ass” and “sucks to be you right now” didn’t already tip you off that it was gonna be terrible.
Miley Cyrus continues to hone her new “bad girl” image by toking on a bong while somebody films her just days after her 18th birthday. Of course, it’d be a whole lot cooler if the bong was actually packed full of marijuana instead of cilantro, but then posturing and posing is what Miley does best. TMZ says:
The video was shot during a party at Miley’s L.A. area home 5 days after her 18th birthday.
According to a source connected with Miley, the smoke filling the bong is a natural herb called salvia which has psychedelic qualities. Possession of salvia is legal in California.
As for the video … the source tells us it was shot by one of Miley’s friends — and theory is that someone stole or copied the video from that friend’s camera.
The only thing Miley sucks worse at than music is doing bong hits. She can’t clear the chamber, for starters, and I’m pretty sure she drooled down into the bong at one point. Gross. It’s like watching a retarded kid try to drink from a juice glass without using his hands. Party FAIL.
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have never let their 15-year difference come between them. The blond chick he was spotted tongue-bathing was actually more like twenty. Star Magazine says:
An eyewitness saw [Kutcher] kissing and groping a hot young blonde by an out-of-the-way bathroom at Italian restaurant Madeo in L.A.
“Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her,” [said the] witness. “I was shocked to see him sucking face with a girl who obviously wasn’t Demi.”
When Demi learns the truth of about the steamy session — which Ashton’s rep denied — it will be her worst fear come true.
“All along, Demi was told it would never work, that he’s going to cheat,” a friend tells Star. “When she finds out that it happened, she’ll be devastated.”
Ashton can always pretend it was an elaborate setup and that she had just been “punk’d” as part of his TV show. Except “Punk’d” has been off the air for almost three years now. On second thought, he should probably just punch her in the hip. Old people have brittle bones and tend to have a hard time getting up once they’ve fallen down. Perhaps you’ve seen their commercial.
Proving she might be 47, but she’s still young (pictures from her Twitter above) and cool (at a Snoop Dogg concert in Vegas this weekend):
Now you’ll get to find out whether Heidi Montag secretly had a vaginoplasty last November, because the sex tape her ex is trying to sell features her both before and after her multiple plastic surgeries. The NY Daily News says:
It will be the ultimate before and after.
The supposed Heidi Montag sex tape will feature the reality star before her drastic surgery and after.
In November, 10 plastic surgeries were performed on ‘The Hills’ star — [including] increasing her breast size from an A cup to DDD, a brow life, a nose job revision, liposuction on her stomach and thighs and a butt augmentation.
Her soon-to-be ex-husband Spencer Pratt has been meeting with Vivid Entertainment in hopes of scoring a deal with the porn company.
Pratt, 26, reportedly told a friend the alleged tape “makes Kim Kardashian look like an amateur.”
Heidi has of course denied the sex tapes exist, and is claiming Spencer is extorting her so she’ll do another reality show with him, but the two of them were photographed scurrying around Costa Rica together yesterday, so I don’t believe a goddamn word either of them say. Let’s just hope for our sake this last-ditch attempt at stardom works. The only other way these cunts are gonna sell magazines again is if they walk into a high school fully armed and start mowing down students.
Will we see Heidi A, B, C, D, or Triple E? Well just have to wait and see:
Jennifer Aniston has outraged a bunch of we’ve-got-a-cause-and-a-megaphone types after she referred to herself as a “retard” on “Live with Regis and Kelly.” No telling how outraged they would have been if they had also been forced to watch “The Switch.” The Daily Mail says
The actress, 41, was discussing her Harper’s Bazaar photo shoot in which she posed as Barbra Streisand when she seemed to absently let the offensive term slip.
Replying to a question from co-host Regis Philbin on Thursday’s program, Aniston said: “Yes, I play dress up! I do it for a living, like a retard!”
While the studio audience laughed at the self-deprecating sentiment and the show went on without comment, a storm was brewing outside the television studio.
The CEO of The Arc (a non-profit advocate for those with intellectual and developmental disabilities), [said] it was “extraordinarily offensive and inappropriate.”
He added: ‘Frankly, someone in her position ought to know better.”
Oh, waaaah waah waaaah. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with everybody? You can’t call someone a faggot or a tard these days without some advocate group getting in your face and telling you what a misogynist/racist/homophobe/elitist/solipsist/anti-dentite you are. Sorry, but it’s my First Amendment right to deride and insult. Some people even make a good living that way.
Jen arriving to The Daily Show last night; video of the retard incident after the jump:
Steven Tyler’s fall from the stage last year ended up putting him in rehab for painkiller addiction and forcing Aerosmith to cancel their tour, but it’s good to see guitarist Joe Perry still has a sense of levity about it. Like last night in Toronto, when he hip-checked Steven face-first into the crowd. The Daily Mail says:
Steven Tyler had another worrying topple when band mate Joe Perry bumped him, sending him flying into the crowd.
The 62-year-old front man got more than he bargained for when Perry bumped him back so hard that Tyler ended up falling off the stage.
It’s fun to watch old people being “hip,” because they usually wind up breaking a hip in the process. Ha ha, see what I just did there? And to think, my mom said my degree in Creative Writing was useless!
In the best news I’ve heard all month, Tila Tequila was viciously pelted with bottles and firecrackers when she took to the stage at a Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois this weekend. For those of you whose daddies loved you and never forced you to shop at Hot Topic out of insecurity and a desperate need for social acceptance, a “Gathering of the Juggalos” is some kind of annual 4-day music festival centered around the Insane Clown Posse. Tila told TMZ:
“I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the shit out of the port-0-potty and threw shit and piss at me when I was onstage.
These people were trying to kill me. So then after the last blow to my head with the firecracker they threw at me exploded, my bodygaurd and the other security grabbed me and ran as fast as they could to the shitty trailor. Since their security SUCKS, the 2 thousand people ran after us, trying to kill me. They almost got me so they finally reach the trailor, blood all over myself, cant stop bleeding, then all of a sudden, all 2 thousand people surround the trailor and busts the windows!!! Even the guys INSIDE with me were shaking! Their hands were shaking cuz they were so scared! So 3 guys inside the trailor had to grab a table and push it over the broken windows and grabbed all the chairs they could find so hold the people from outside back. It was scary as hell!”
The question is, did TIla Tequila really do everything she could to diffuse the situation before it got out of hand? Well, of course she did! If by “diffuse the situation” you mean “showed her tits and then hid behind a wall of security guards,” which I naturally assumed you did. TMZ says:
Halfway through the chaos, Tila ripped off her top to try and distract the crowd. That only worked for about a minute before they all went back to throwing stuff at her.
The ordeal lasted about 15 minutes. A security guard [said] someone had a watermelon that had been fermenting in urine and feces for two days and that they had been saving it all weekend for Tila. No word if the watermelon connected.
I never thought I’d ever identify with a fan of ICP, but damn if I don’t feel like an tubby midwestern suburbanite who’s just been hosed down with Faygo and a false sense of identity. Bring on the Dark Carnival, bitches!
Click here to see the rest of the assault photos; video of the event below:
With rumors that Lindsay will be getting out of rehab early and reports that the judge on her case had been replaced, Dina Lohan finally broke her silence and spoke exclusively to the Today Show about her daughter’s recent legal troubles. People magazine says:
An argumentative Dina Lohan – placing the blame on the judge no longer on the case and staunchly defending the behavior of her daughter Lindsay Lohan – appeared on Friday’s Today show, declaring there was nothing wrong with her child.
“I’m not condoning drinking and driving, but she’s still paying the price for what she did in 2007,” said an often-agitated Dina, 47. “She’s changed. She’s grown up considerably.”
Repeatedly accusing Judge Marsha Revel of “going overboard” and “playing hardball,” Dina said that information will be coming out next week showing that the jurist had to remove herself from the case before she was about to be fired.
Pressed about her daughter’s problems, Dina said, “That’s all propaganda,” and called tabloid coverage of Lindsay “pre-orchestrated. You’re reading things that are not based on fact.”
Anyone else notice that Dina Lohan repeats herself like she’s fucking Rain Man? As someone who’s spent a lot of time in the highly-functioning retard section of the mental ward, I can personally tell you they make for great drinking games. Just chug every time she says the words “hardball,” “recuse,” criminal stayaways,” and “summa cum laude.” You’ll be drunk before noon, I promise. And this time, you’ll actually have a legitimate excuse.
Enjoy some year-old footage of Justin Bieber getting pelted in the puss with a water bottle during a Sacramento radio station concert last December. I have to say, I expected a video of Justin Bieber taking it in the face to include a whole lot more semen and men in assless chaps.
Taylor Momsen and her shitty Hole-knockoff band The Pretty Reckless have a new video out for her latest single “Miss Nothing.” The Daily Mail says
The Gossip Girl star has gone all out to shock in the new music video.
The teen is shown crawling seductively across a table set up to look like Leonardo DaVinci’s painting, The Last Supper, which depicts Jesus’ final meal with his 12 apostles.
At first Momsen can be seen wearing a white veil, seated in the middle of the table and surrounded by the male members of the band.
Wearing a very tight, very short white dress and perspex heels she then climbs onto the table and begins to crawl down it, knocking over glasses and plates.
The only part of the video that really resonated with me was the other band members’ bored, blank expressions. And all I can think every time she smacks a plate onto the floor is “Hey! I was maybe gonna eat that!”
Katy Perry posted a 30-second preview of the video for her latest single “California Gurls” (yes, she spelled it “gurls”) on her Twitter yesterday. The video appears to be set in a makeshift Candyland and shows her tonguing an ice cream cone, wearing a bra made of pastries and shooting foam from her tits. Subtlety obviously isn’t what she was going for here, but the gratuitous boob action still doesn’t excuse Snoop Dogg’s ridiculous pink cupcake suit. Mario Cantone was quoted as saying, “Man that shit is gay.” And a hairless Peruvian was using his ass as a hand-puppet when he said that, so that goes to show you just how fucking gay it really was.
