I’m back, boys and girls! Thanks to Sonya for guiding you through the barren wasteland of celebrity gossip while I staved off alcohol poisoning and liver failure for a week. I hope you didn’t get too accustomed to quality writing and actual fact-checking while I was gone, because unless “journalistic integrity” is code for “a high school equivalency and a bottle of Wild Irish Rose,” you’re shit outta luck.

Anyway, what better way to usher in my triumphant return to the blogosphere than news of a celebrity sex tape? Today’s amateur porn star is Danielle Staub from “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” or as you may better know her, “The Crypt Keeper.” According to TMZ

Hustler Inc. tells us it is all set to distribute a 75 minute tape, featuring Jersey’s most hated Housewife — and mother of two — in a naked romp with a mystery man.

A rep from Hustler tells us the tape was shot last September — several months after 47-year old Staub first appeared on the Bravo reality show. The tape is set to be released on June 14.

Everything you need to know about this video can be summed up in the words “47-year old” and “75 minute tape.” I hope you like masturbating with a mixture of Ben-Gay and Centrum Silver.

Megan Fox in a bikini, because I’d rather pour hot tar in my nostrils than watch Danielle Staub in flagrante delicto:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

At yesterday’s hearing, Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer petitioned Judge Marsha Revel to allow Lindsay to undergo random alcohol testing rather than fit her with the SCRAM bracelet because Lindsay would be filming a movie in Texas and it would “interfere” with her work. Reasonable argument, except the Texas Film Commission has no permits connecting Lindsay to any film whatsoever and her IMDb profile currently shows no projects in development. Good thing the judge said no, then. According to TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan made it clear to the court that she didn’t wanna wear a SCRAM bracelet because she thought it would get in the way of an upcoming movie shoot in Texas — problem is, no such shoot exists.

The producers of the only two motion picture projects Lindsay is currently attached to — “Machete” and “Inferno” — tell us there ARE additional ["Machete"] scenes being shot in Texas, “but they don’t include [Lindsay].”

As for “Inferno,” a rep tells us it’s not being shot in Texas — so the SCRAM bracelet would have no affect on that film either.

I thought lying in court was called “perjury” and against the law, even if you had your attorney do it for you. But then again, what do I know? I thought possessing a controlled substance and operating a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol and not showing up to court was against the law, too. Apparently the laws in Los Angeles aren’t so much “laws” as they are “general guidelines.” Sorta like the Code of the Brethren set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew, except for celebrities instead of multiple amputees with scurvy.

Video from her hearing after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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The video I told you about yesterday starring Disney princess Miley Cyrus giving some old queen a lapdance has finally made its way to the interwebs. TMZ says

Miley — who was 16 at the time — was dancing with 44-year-old Adam Shankman during a wrap party last summer for the movie “The Last Song.” Shankman, who is openly gay, produced the movie.

And speaking of barking up the wrong lesbian, Miley went a dinner date with Justin Bieber last night. According to Us Magazine

Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus went out to dinner together at Ari-Ya Sushi in West Hollywood Monday night.

Why did the two get together? To discuss “a side project,” Cyrus said.

Bieber has said he wouldn’t want to date Miley — [and] the feeling was mutual.

“Bieber Fever? I’m not necessarily a fan,” [she said last March]. “I don’t listen to that kind of music.”

“That kind” of music? What, you mean like shitty over-processed Top Forty fluff? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize “Party in the USA” was such a deep foray into musical elitism. My mistake.

Miley doing what she does best — sucking;

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Michael Jackson is alive and well and masquerading as a burn victim… at least according to a website that gets more than a million hits a day. Nine MSN says

According to the conspiracy theorists, Michael is masquerading as ‘Dave Dave,’ a 33-year-old burn victim who he befriended as a child.

MJ’s fans claim they have video evidence in the form of an interview Dave gave on Larry King last year. They say his voice and mannerisms are identical to Michael’s, and his eyes have changed from blue/green to brown. “There’s no doubt Michael Jackson is still alive. We have the evidence, now we want to let everyone know,” says a member of michaeljacksonhoaxforum.com.

Additionally, the MichaelJacksonHoaxForum.com administrator told The Sun:

“Michael Jackson attended Larry King Live on the day of the funeral disguised as Dave Dave.

The media told us two different stories. TMZ.com reported he died six minutes before the doctor pronounced him dead, and CNN kept telling us he was in a coma. What really happened still remains a mystery.”

If Michael Jackson is actually alive, he’s not going to go around pretending to be a damn burn victim. He can be anybody he wants to be, so why not pick something good? Like, say… and I’m just going out on a limb here — a pediatric urologist? I bet touching little boys’ wieners is waaay easier without constant media scrutiny and slings and arrows of public opinion. He’s finally free to live the life he always wanted!

The supposed “proof” (FF to the 2:17 mark) he’s Dave Dave:

Brooklyn Decker shooting scenes for Adam Sandler’s stupid new movie, because burn victims are kind of a boner-killer:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

It was Mother’s Day this past Sunday, and I hope all of you took the time to thank your mothers for wiping your ass for the first three (or in my case, seven) years of your life, and for suffering through every last one of your lame-ass middle-school band concerts, and for letting you ravage her once-intact birth canal and turn it into raw hamburger with bladder control issues. Trust me, being a mom is a lot harder than it looks. A little bit of you dies every time you sit through Sesame Street on Ice or have to construct a diorama of the African Serengeti using uncooked pasta and glitter glue. So to those of you with scars on your feet where Legos and plastic army men embedded themselves in your heels, I salute you. In honor of mothers everywhere, here’s Betty White on this weekend’s SNL. Enjoy.

See what motherhood has done to Christina Aguilera here, one more Debbie Downer skit after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Katie Holmes serenaded husband Tom Cruise with “Whatever Lola Wants” at the A Fine Romance Benefit at 20th Century Fox yesterday, only it was an interactive serenade, which everyone knows is the most embarrassing kind of serenade of all. Tom made sure he got to sashay and preen a little on the stage, too, but then made sure to point at his wedding ring to remind everyone that he was, in fact, a heterosexual male who was clearly enjoying this display of feminine sexual aggression. To quote Dale Gribble, this performance “is the feces that is created when shame eats too much stupidity.” And then uses dignity to wipe.

UPDATE: It seems that Scientology minders have gone and yanked this off of YouTube, presumably because it’s so goddamn embarrassing. I’ll see if I can’t find it elsewhere in the meantime.

Miley Cyrus does her best slutty vulture/medieval peacock/Britney Spears impression in her latest video “Can’t Be Tamed.” I guess footage of her beating Hannah Montana with a lead pipe got kinda redundant after the first two minutes. The Daily Mail says

Taking cues from Britney Spears and Lady Gaga, the young singer parades around in hotpants and plunging corsets as she puts on a brief pole-dancing show.

Miley hinted that the video mirrors her desire to break out of the constraints of playing her squeaky clean Disney character.

She said: ‘[The song] is about [me wanting] to be free and do what I love. I want to make the movies or make the music I want. It’s not a new Miley, its just a new part of me.

There’s nothing in the video for me that I wouldn’t be proud for my family to see. I think they can all watch it.”

Yep, my daddy loves to watch me pole-dancin’. On account of us bein’ from Tennessee and all. Y’all wouldn’t understand with yer fancy “book-learnin’” and “incest laws” and what-not, but real love don’t know no bounds. That’s how come I don’t never wear a belt.

Screen caps:

New details are emerging about former Girls Next Door star Kendra Wilkinson’s sex tape, and get this — she’s “barely legal” in the video. Apparently that’s the pièce de résistance for guys who spend a lot of time jerking off. According to TMZ

The sex tape that Kendra Wilkinson claims she’s desperately trying to stop was shot back in 2005, right after Kendra turned 18.

Kendra has already admitted that she knew about the tape — which is now in the possession of Vivid Entertainment.

As for Kendra’s co-star, the mystery man was the former Playmate’s boyfriend at the time — definitely not Hef nor her husband Hank Baskett.

So how will she deal with such a gross violation of her privacy, you ask? By talking about it on her show, that’s how! Radar Online says

The gorgeous blonde is taking on the unapproved release of a sex tape, allowing the controversy to be filmed for her reality show.

Though her E! reality show Kendra was not in production, cameras will soon be rolling to capture all of the action since a source confirmed that the current drama will be represented on the show.

She’s already said she’s through getting naked and pregnancy hasn’t exactly been kind to her once kick-ass figure, so why the hell would anyone want to watch her crappy show? Oh, that’s right — she’s gonna talk about her sex tape! My, my, my. What impeccable timing. At first glance you’d almost think it was planned, since the tape is slated for release in May and the show’s season finale is May 9th, but that’s not the way Hollywood works. Not at all. If anything, Hollywood eschews this sort of behavior. “We believe in hard work and deep-rooted moral fiber,” they’re quoted as saying.

Look — I made a sweatshirt into a dress:

You’ve already met Honey Bee and Sasha Fierce — now meet Beyonce’s third alter ego “B.B. Homemaker” in her new video “Why Don’t You Love Me.” The song was originally a bonus track on her 2008 album and never released as a single, but it still managed to top the US Hot Dance Club Songs charts last month. I wouldn’t know because I don’t go dancing. On account of it being so fucking stupid and all. Don’t believe me? Try downing a quarter bag of mushrooms right before you hit the club and just sit and observe the patrons in action for an hour or so, then tell me if you still think dancing is “cool.” Dry-humping and flailing your way across the floor like you had a blown-out knee and a spastic colon doesn’t look nearly as awesome as you think it does inside your head. It’s like if Rodney Dangerfield had epilepsy and Parkinson’s and no sense of shame whatsoever, except set to music.

The video for Christina Aguilera’s new single “Not Myself Tonight” is scheduled to hit the interwebs at 12:01 this morning, but you can have a little preview of it here. The Daily Mail says

The 29-year-old singer dons a red bra and knickers set as she poses provocatively in front of a fireplace, before wearing an outfit made entirely made of chains with just pointed pasties to maintain her decency.

She also appears to have a ball gag in her mouth in the clearly S&M inspired video.

In another shot, Christina wears a revealing cut-out swimsuit while bending her body into sexy poses.

What an apropos title! Clearly, she’s not herself tonight. She appears to be Madonna circa 1995 and Lady Gaga six months ago. I guess the title “Trite and Uninspired” just didn’t resonate with the big guns at Sony.

Sonya’s in tomorrow, so I’ll see you snarky bastards on Monday!

Whitney Houston continued her Crash & Burn World Tour last night at London’s O2, disappointing nearly 20,000 fans by not even bothering to attempt the high notes in most of her signature songs. The Daily Mail says

Houston admitted to the crowd that she couldn’t hit the high notes and even abandoned The Greatest Love Of All after only a couple of verses, [saying]: ‘She don’t want to come, my soprano friend. Sometimes the old girl sings, but not tonight. I want to do it, but she doesn’t want to. … She’s getting a little … temperamental, even.’

She struggled further with another of her classic songs, cutting short I Will Always Love You, and paused and panted for breath between songs.

Fans were still unhappy, with some even demanding their money back.

Remember those old “this is your brain on drugs” commercials with the egg in the frying pan? Well, they could do one for “this is your voice on drugs,” only instead of a frying pan, they’d just show the footage of sweaty Whitney Houston in a Rick James wig screeching like a barn owl caught in a hairnet made of live wires. Any questions?

Sorry about canonballing the Lindsay Lohan posts today, but she’s back in the news again this morning for being the chief suspect in the theft of a $35,000 Rolex watch. And by “chief suspect” I of course mean “only suspect.” TMZ says

The watch belongs to one of Lindsay’s “friends,” who accidentally left it at Lindsay’s house earlier this year and never got it back.

Cops have photographic evidence which could prove Lindsay knows exactly where the Rolex went.

So far, no arrests have been made in the case — but it’s another major issue for Lohan, who seems to be in a downward spiral.

Lindsay denied any involvement in the theft.

I think it’s pretty obvious that Lindsay’s being framed by dirty cops. Like that one time she was framed for stealing a bunch of clothes from her former best friend. And then there’s that time she was framed for stealing a fur coat from a nightclub. And the time she was framed for stealing some Louis Vuitton clothing from an Elle photoshoot in 2007. And also the jewelery from another Elle photoshoot in 2009. And also the jewelery she had on loan from XIV Karats. Well, no more, my friends. Lindsay, like Roger Rabbit and Dr. Richard Kimble, will prove once and for all that she has been the victim of a sinister plot methodically executed over the last five years by former acquaintances and strangers scattered all over the country. Then she’ll single-handedly expose the dirty cops’ secret volcano lair and laugh the laugh of the truly carefree.