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I swear I’m not making this shit up. Ke$ha’s love of male facial hair has inspired her to create her own website Put Your Beard in My Mouth, which features pictures of her with — you guessed it — a bunch of beards in her mouth. I didn’t think it was physically possible for Ke$ha to be more repellant, but that was before I saw her with a wad of Fidel Castro’s billy goat gruff in her piehole. Damn that bitch is disgusting.

Lindsay Sells her Clothes

Hi everyone, it’s Sonya, and it’s my turn to drive this crazy train. So here we are, 10 days from Christmas, and you still haven’t found that perfect gift for the lady in your life? Well, why not pick her up something nice and syphilitic from the Lohan residence? That’s right! Says the New York Post

Lindsay Lohan wannabes now can dress just like her. The actress is selling off second-hand clothes on her family’s Web site, Lohanhouse.com. Up for grabs are a pair of Stella McCartney black leather boots and jackets, jeans, hats and handbags, starting at $25. No word on whether LiLo will be selling the infamous black, sequined, heart-shaped pasties she designed for Ungaro last fall.

Included with each purchase is a free gift bag including an STD (herpes simplex, gonorrhea, chlamydia, or syphilis–please, let us choose), plus a lifetime’s supply of shame, self-loathing, substance abuse, AND a free fan club membership. So remember us for all your holiday needs! Lohanhouse.com–it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Shopping for more clothes to burn through in LA:

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tiger woods leave

In the wake of his public cheating scandal, pro golfer Tiger Woods has decided to take an indefinite leave from the game that made him famous. He said in the statement (via Yahoo News):

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

You know, you could draw a lot of parallels between him and the late golf great Ben Hogan, who also took an indefinite leave from golf following a car accident. Only Ben’s leave was the result of a double-fracture of the pelvis, a fractured collar bone, a fractured ankle and chipped ribs after throwing himself across his wife Valerie in order to protect her in a head-on collision with a Greyhound bus, and Tiger’s was more of a “running away from his wife in a Vicodin-induced stupor because he was fucking everything with a pussy between here and San Bernadino.” Just leave out the whores and the booze and the lying and it’s practically the same freakin’ story.

lindsay lohan samantha ronson

It’s not the first time Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has spoken out about his daughter’s girlfriend Samantha Ronson — but this is the first time he’s asked for your help. He wrote on his website

After seeing promise and thanking God for Lindsay’s freedom from SaMANtha’s bondage, I see now, that since SaMANtha has once again, weaseled her way back into Lindsay”s life, things have taken a dark turn. SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.

Was this again, a means for SaMANtha to earn more money through Lindsay”s presence? Did SaMANtha’s fee drop so much and so quickly when word got out that they parted ways? Are we so blind? Is Lindsay so blind? I know Dina and my kids aren’t because they tell me so. But then again, why does Dina tell me one thing and do another?!

When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil (losing weight, not working, and purportedly cutting herself) are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn’t happening? Or are we suppose to step to the plate and not care what people think, and do something about it?

Well, as you can see, I’m not going to sit back and let it slide.

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

His clever use of the capitalized “man” in Samantha certainly lends an air of credibility to his post. You know, because she’s a lesbian and really ugly and all and the word “man” is hidden in her name. The pen truly is mightier than the sword! That’s why I used one to draw mustaches and wieners on all the pictures of my ex-husband’s business cards. Michael and I like to refer to that as “taking the high road.”

Lindsay’s new ad campaign for Fornarina:

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kim-kardashian-bikini

Kim Kardashian has swallowed (ha ha) being called a lot of things — dummy, slut, human urinal — but one thing she won’t stomach is being called a liar. After several commenters on her website accused her lying about her waist size, Kim found a way to prove them all wrong. MSNBC says

“I am really sick and tired of people being so mean and nasty and assume I am lying,” she wrote, adding, “JUST FOR YOU NON-BELIEVERS, I WILL POST A VIDEO BLOG OF ME SHOWING YOU GUYS MY SIZE 27 JEANS LATER TONIGHT!”

True to her word, the “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” star filmed the tags from three pairs of her favorite jeans, and in order to head off any conspiracy theories before they began, Kim squeezed into each pair of dungarees for the camera.

You can watch the riveting video here. It takes her nearly half a minute and several jumps to get the first pair zipped and buttoned. You’d think she was putting on a goddamned wet suit or something. I’ve had leather pants go on with more ease. And just because you can wrangle a pair of stretched-out, pre-worn, 20% spandex jeans (the average spandex percentage in jeans is one or two percent, by the way) over your big fat ass does NOT make you a size 2. Just like my painting my face black and standing in the unemployment line in a football jersey does not make me a black person. It just makes me a white person who’s very likely to get subsidized living and a welfare check. There’s a big difference, people!

Her “size 2″ ass leaving the “Dancing With the Stars” rehearsal studios in L.A.:

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