Katy Perry and Russell Brand were married in an elephant-laden Hindu ceremony near a nature reserve in India on Saturday. The New York Daily News says:

The nuptials featured an over-the-top procession of 21 camels, elephants and horses, plus dancers and musicians.

A Hindu priest officiated the celebrity wedding in front of family and close friends at the Aman-e-Khas resort near a wild tiger preserve in northwestern India.

The 25-year-old singer wore a sari and had henna designs painted on her hands as part of the six-day celebration. Trees inside the resort were decorated with white and gold lights, and tents were adorned with flower garlands.

Well, it’s all fun and games until someone steps in an elephant patty. Or until armed guards have to beat the shit out of a six hundred pound tiger fifty feet from the terrified guests running and screaming for their lives. The Daily Mail says:

Russell Brand and Katy Perry spent their first night as man and wife surrounded by armed guards after a man-eating tiger gatecrashed their Indian jungle wedding.

The male predator, which has killed three people in the past two years, scaled two walls at the wedding venue after being attracted by the noise and lights at the [$625,000] event.

It was finally beaten away by guards as it tried to jump a third wall just 50ft from the newlyweds and their 85 guests.

But once the big cat was beaten unconscious, the fun and extravagance resumed as if nothing had happened, thanks largely in part to all the alcohol and designer drugs you know were on hand at the ceremony. And then it was present time! The Daily Mail adds:

Brand spent thousands buying a female Bengal tiger [as a wedding gift for Perry]. Russell was also said to have given Katy a ruby which is said to possess ‘protective powers’, while Katy decided to give her man a baby elephant as a love token.

Good thing they already told me what Russell got her! I was this close to buying Katy a tiger and a raw ruby with magical powers. Believe you me, it’s not as easy to exchange tigers and uncut gemstones as you would think. The Kokang Chinese in Myanmar don’t really do “returns.”

Blurry far-away post-wedding pictures:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

In a move that would make Star Jones weep with pride, Hilary Duff got OK! Magazine to foot the bill for her “dream wedding” to Mike Comrie by giving them exclusive rights to her wedding photos. Only one problem — nobody gives a fuck about her wedding photos, and OK! only paid for half of the wedding up front. Page Six says:

The starlet struck a deal with OK! magazine to have her $1 million wedding paid in full in exchange for exclusive photos. Duff was paid for the first half of the deal before the issue hit newsstands, but sales were sour, with only 290,000 copies sold. Sources say OK! boss Richard Desmond is trying to renegotiate the deal with Duff.

Rule number one for a tabloid magazine editor: unless the words “topless” or “naked” or “girl-on-girl” or “sex tape” precede the words “Hilary Duff,” the public ain’t interested. And if they ain’t interested, they ain’t buyin’. Simple as that. You have to learn to recognize what really speaks to the public at large, and then milk it like the Amish at sunrise. That’s why all my business plans include the word “nipple.”

PHOTO SOURCE: OK! Magazine

Lots of Hollywood couples got married this weekend (including Martin Lawrence, but nobody cares about him), so let’s try not to choke on all the love and get through this together. First up, Jim from “The Office” married girlfriend of two years Emily Blunt in a secret ceremony in Italy. People Magazine says:

A week after Jenna Fischer tied the knot, her on-screen husband John Krasinski wed actress Emily Blunt on Saturday in a private ceremony.

Blunt wore a Marchesa Bridal custom cream chiffon sweetheart draped gown with embroidered detail. She had a Neil Lane three-carat round diamond and platinum ring.

Next up: Carrie Underwood and hockey star Mike Fisher were wed this weekend on a plantation in Georgia. People Magazine says:

Under a tent on a Southern evening, Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher shared what their wedding planner called “a spiritual expression of their love.”

The country star, 27, and her hockey player beau, 30, tied the knot at a luxury resort Saturday before 250 friends and family in a ceremony featuring classical music and the couple’s favorite Bible readings

Underwood wore a Chantilly lace dress created for her by Monique Lhuillier, who also designed the bridesmaids’ dresses.

Chantilly lace and Bible readings on a plantation in Georgia? It didn’t say, but I just assume the reception was a lively barbecue at Twelve Oaks where they all celebrated the South’s ceding from the Union by dancing the Virginia Reel.

Carrie and Mike en route to their honeymoon:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Entertainment Tonight aired exclusive photos last night from Megan Fox and Brian Austin Greene’s secret Hawaiian wedding late last month. Megan is shown barefoot in a strapless silk chiffon gown, carrying a bouquet of white gardenias and roses. Brian wore a white shirt and white linen pants, as did his son Kassius, who carried the rings in a conch shell. They were given traditional leis following the ceremony, which was performed by a man in a toga waving a tea leaf. At that point I assume Brian fashioned a makeshift raft out of sea turtles and sailed off into the sunset, because he just made off with the hottest ass in Hollywood. It only makes sense that he’d be part pirate.

Holy shit. She really did it. After a series of on-again off-again engagements, Megan Fox has married “90210″ veteran Brian Austin Green. Star Magazine says:

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green tied the knot late last week in Hawaii.

The location of the wedding — which took place Thursday or Friday — was the Four Seasons Hualalai at Historic Ka’upulehu on the big island of Hawaii.

“Megan and Brian had already been there for a few days,” [said a source]. “It seemed like a spur of the moment thing. I don’t think it had been planned long. Megan and Brian are still there at the hotel… celebrating their honeymoon.”

Oh, I know all about “unplanned” and “spur of the moment.” It’s called “Jose Cuervo” and “a lifetime of regret.” Ask any one of my four baby daddies. They’ll tell you straight up.

Proof that she should have stopped with the Juvederm about four syringes ago:

“Girls Next Door” star Kendra Wilkinson and Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett were wed at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday. According to Us Weekly

Wilkinson’s [ex-boyfriend] Hugh Hefner [and] former Girls Next Door costars Bridget Marquardt and Holly Madison were among the 500 guests.

Her brother Colin walked her down the aisle. Hef was originally slated to do the honor but Wilkinson changed her mind.

Not many guys would be down with your getting married at your ex’s mansion. Especially if your ex was going to be sitting in the audience surrounded by the other whores with whom you used to have lesbian threesomes for his entertainment. Hef might as well have thrown used condoms and Viagra at him instead of rice.