Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s wedding this past weekend was all for show (specifically, for her show), because it turns out the two aren’t actually legally married at all — and they won’t be until they can agree on a prenup. C’est l’amour! TMZ says

Two high-powered family law attorneys are already squaring off, trying to hash out the prenup Odom wants as a condition to marriage. The negotiations — which began last Friday — are already contentious.

Our sources say the couple will tie the knot — legally — once the prenup is inked.

Or they could just go ahead and get the divorce papers rolling while they’re there. You know, save everybody involved a little time and legal fees when this all blows up in their faces.

At their rehearsal dinner:

Sasquatch impersonator Khloé Kardashian will be marrying L.A. Lakers forward and boyfriend of one month Lamar Odom this upcoming weekend. According to Star Magazine

Khloé Kardashian sure isn’t one to waste time — she’s set to marry her boyfriend of only one month on Sunday!

Why the rush? The attention-grabbing nuptials talk is timed nicely with the debut of his new clothing line and airing of her reality show.

Well, I’ll be damned. All it takes to make Khloe Kardashian look feminine is to put her next to a six-foot ten-inch 230-pound black guy with mitts the size of tennis racquets and arms like a silverback gorilla. Mel B really might want to look into getting one of those for herself.

At Katsuya with Lamar last week:

I’m not really sure what the hell’s going on in these pictures, aside from the obvious and terrifying figurine fetishism.  I suppose it’s probably just some dumb stunt to promote Holly Madison’s involvement in “Peepshow”, which is about Vegas sluts or something like that.  It might actually be a burlesque show.  I have no idea, because I don’t care.  Whatever — look, I get the connection between quickie nuptials and Vegas, but what the shit does the Travelocity gnome have to do with naked ladies?  Who knew that little troll was such a player?

Anyway, if for some inexplicable reason you’re really interested in the goings-on of Hugh Hefner’s castoffs, there’s an article about this nonsense in the Las Vegas Sun.  I didn’t read it, because words are hard and readin’s for nerds.  This ass ain’t paid to think, you know?

Heidi Klum and Seal renewed their wedding vows in Malibu yesterday with a white-trash themed hoe-down for a bunch of friends and family. I’d swear these pictures were from my third wedding, except there aren’t any F-150s plastered with Confederate flags in the background and none of the bridesmaids are doing kegstands.

“Reality” star turned “singer” Heidi Montag is reportedly in negotiations to get naked for Playboy at the behest of her asswipe husband. According to Contact Music

New husband Spencer Pratt is happy for the world to see all of his blushing bride. Life & Style magazine reports that Montag is currently in talks with the Playboy editors to try and seal a deal for a whopping $500,000.

A source tells the publication, “(Heidi) wants to do it. It’s just a matter of working out the details.”

Perhaps the term “shameless media whores” just wasn’t derisive enough for the two of them. Now Heidi and Spencer get to be actual whores. Dignity doesn’t pay the bills, you know!

Obligatory wedding photos:

Because nothing says “everlasting love” like exploiting your wife’s body for profit:

I guess having three failed three failed marriages under her g-string isn’t enough for Pamela Anderson — the former Playmate is reportedly gearing up to marry her professional scuba diver boyfriend, Jamie Padgett. According to The Sun

[Pamela] has sparked rumors that she is set to wed for the third time after one of her designer pals told friends he is working on the busty actress’ new wedding dress.

Before him, she was married to TOMMY LEE, KID ROCK and RICK SALOMON.

A “professional” scuba diver? In my day, we called them “free-loading beach bums.” Of course, we also called beer “giggle water” and black people “darkies” and television “the talking picture box.” The next time a crazy scientist in a DeLorean DMC-12 offers me a ride, I’m going to have to pass.

With her son and the bum on Malibu beach:

David Letterman announced during the Monday taping of his CBS Late Show that he had married longtime girlfriend and mother of his child, Regina Lasko. Us Weekly says

“On Thursday, at 3 p.m., March 19, 2009, at the Teton County Courthouse in Choteau, Montana, I was married to Regina Lasko,” Letterman said about 20 minutes into the show, before he read the “Top 10″ list.

Letterman and Lasko — who began dating in 1986 when Lasko worked for him on his show — welcomed Harry in November 2003.

If you’re wondering why it took him 23 years to propose, I’m guessing it’s because it took fifteen just to convince him she wasn’t really a lesbian, and then maybe another seven before he finally gave up looking for her secret ax and blue ox. Congratulations to the happy couple!

Bruce Willis married his long-time model girlfriend Emma Heming over the weekend at his home on the Turks and Caicos islands. Us Weekly says

This is the second marriage for Willis, 54, and the first marriage for Heming, 30. Willis’ daughters, Rumor, 20, Scout, 17, and Tallulah Belle, 14, and their mother, Willis’ ex Demi Moore, were present, as was Moore’s current husband, Ashton Kutcher. Madonna was also among the guests.

“The couple will be having a civil ceremony when they return to California,” Willis’ rep tells Us.

Just think, when he was her age, she was just starting first grade. Bet that would have made for some awkward first dates. Especially if she’d already circle-circle-dot-dotted herself with a cootie shot and mastered the monkey bars. They’re virtually unattainable then.

A couple of her modeling in a bikini, and with Bruce at the “House Bunny” premiere:

After two rejected proposals, Reese Witherspoon has finally consented to Jake Gyllenhaal’s offer of marriage. A source told Star Magazine

“[The engagement ring] was gorgeous, and everyone noticed it right away. But she took it off as soon as she saw people staring. Reese stuffed it in her bag and didn’t put it on again the rest of the day.

There was already word out that she and Jake had gotten engaged, so the ring absolutely confirmed everybody’s suspicions. They’re ready to make it official!”

I don’t know about you, but I’m… happy for Reese. I’m allowed to say that, you know. I don’t just go around mocking celebrities for the sake of their celebrity status. I’m genuinely happy for her. Reese has finally found the girl of her dreams, and she’s about to make her all her own! I think it’d be wrong to sully such a feel-good moment with snark and thinly-veiled homophobic derision.

Shopping in Melrose:

Despite the fact that he did this to her face, Rihanna is now balking at pressing charges or testifying in the case against Chris Brown since she reconciled with him.  She is no longer cooperating with police, according to the Sun UK:

The 21-year-old is refusing to help with their investigation after rekindling her romance with the singer.

But detectives may still have a case against Brown, 19, and will hand their file to the Los Angeles County District Attorney later this week.

A police source said: “Rihanna says she doesn’t want to testify against him. She has had a change of heart and doesn’t want the case to proceed.

“However detectives are still building their case based on what she originally told them and accounts of witnesses.

Oh, but it gets better (if by better, you mean unfathomably worse).  Rihanna may have secretly married Chris Brown at Sean “Poof Doody” Combs’ mansion in Miami last weekend.  This is from Star, so keep in mind that there’s probably a 95% chance that it’s at least halfway made up:

…the couple had a tearful face-to-face meeting at Diddy’s $14.5 million Miami mansion, during which an emotional Chris apologized, begged for forgiveness and proposed to her on the spot.

“All she’s ever wanted was to be with him forever,” a source tells Star. “Rihanna is looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns 25. She believes in fairy tales, and she wants to live hers with Chris. She was totally up front and confessed to him, ‘I can’t live without you.’”

The pair wasted no time making Rihanna’s fairy tale come true. They even called a minister to the mansion on exclusive Star Island!

Ugh.  Okay, even if this is actually true, I refuse to talk smack about Rihanna because the psychology of the abused woman is a dark and complex web, but Jesus H. Christ on a crumpet, where the shit are her handlers?  Totally discounting the eleventy million other reasons this is a bad fucking idea, at the very least it’s an incredibly poor business decision as far as the future of her career is concerned.  The backlash started once word got out that she was even accepting his phone calls.  If she really did marry his ass, things are going to get very ugly.

Star’s “Secret Wedding” cover:

Chris Brown, whose arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow, looking chagrined and chastised in Miami, like he learned a valuable and life-changing lesson:

It’s official — Gisele Bundchen is now Mrs. Tom Brady! According to Us Weekly

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady wed [yesterday] at the St. Monica Catholic Church.

The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce & Gabbana. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars.

The ceremony — which began at dusk — was “very small and intimate” — guests mostly consisted of immediate family.

Does anybody else see what’s going on here? Eugenics, baby! Eugenics! Let’s consider the facts: Tom Brady looks like he was sculpted by Michelangelo himself, and Gisele might as well have been birthed from the sea on scallop shell surrounded by Zephyrs. Now look to your left and right. Is there anyone in your office/school/mother’s basement that is even remotely as attractive as these two? You know goddamn well there isn’t. The world is rife with uggos and fatties and wheezing invalids that should have been weeded out of the gene pool years ago but managed to be kept alive by the miracle of modern medicine. And so now, it begins. The master race. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World. Now we just wait for the Bokanovsky to process replace the immigrant work force and drink our Soma like the good little World State citizens we are.

In a bikini and on a photoshoot at Santa Monica beach:

Notorious pants-pisser Fergie married long-time boyfriend Josh Duhamel in a “white fantasy wedding” over the weekend. According to People Magazine

The Black Eyed Peas singer, 33, and the actor, 36, tied the knot at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu [on Saturday]. Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black.

The bride, escorted by her father and given in marriage by her parents, is the granddaughter of the late Mr. and Mrs. I. P. Freely and the late Mr. and Mrs. I. C. A. Pisstain. The bride wore a white silk Dolce and Gabbana gown, Van Cleef & Arpel jewels, and Depends belted shields with button straps. Depends^TM — because nothing should put a “damper” on your special day!

Heading for their honeymoon: