After playing house with “True Blood” star Alexander Skarsgard for two years, Kate Bosworth is now back on the market. Us Magazine says:

Alexander Skarsgard and 21 actress Kate Bosworth have called it quits.

“It was very mutual,” a source [says]. “And it happened a while ago.”

At Comic-Con in San Diego, the actor, 34, flirted with a brunette — and left the party with her.

“He’s single,” confirms a source, “and he is loving the attention!”

Kate Bosworth doesn’t have an arrest record or any tits to speak of, so I thought I’d post this wedding dress extravaganza photo shoot Kristin Cavallari did for Life & Style magazine instead. The timing on this thing couldn’t be better — it hit newsstands a day after fiance Jay Cutler broke off their engagement. I couldn’t let an opportunity like that go to waste. Posting it all over the internet is the closest I’ll ever get to actually taping a “kick me sign” on her back.

Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband Nick Lachey and former MTV something-or-other Vanessa Minnillo were married today, and surprise, surprise — Nick’s already found a way to make a reality show out of it. Because it worked out so well the first time, you see. Us Magazine says:

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo said “I do,” on Friday… at the top of a cliff overlooking the ocean on Necker Island. The wedding was extremely small and close family only.

They allowed reality cameras to document their big day as a part of a TLC wedding special.

These two D-list nobodies aren’t worth the time and energy it would take for me to burn them. Besides, just being Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo should be plenty burn enough. Or “Who and who again?” as they’re collectively known to the rest of the world.

Vanessa in a bikini in Mexico (hey, I’m trying to make this as interesting somehow):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

All is not well in the land of ink and herpes. The Daily Mail says:

Jesse James’s fourth trip down the aisle appears to have been cancelled.

The Monster Garage star and his tattoo artist fiancée Kat Von D have put their relationship on hold five months after announcing their engagement.

‘I guess I was trying to take too much from the world,’ tweeted James on June 5. ‘Funny how things go from amazing to shit in the blink of an eye.’

On the same day Kat wrote: ‘I have no regrets.’

Life & Style Magazine is reporting that James has confirmed the split to his friends.

‘That’s what he’s telling pals,’ an insider told the magazine. ‘He says there’s too much drama for him.’

No, no, no! They didn’t break up! They’ve just moved their wedding to the summer, the least shitty and drama-filled season of them all. They’re still as in love and happy as ever. According to People magazine:

Have Jesse James and Kat Von D called off their wedding? Not a chance!

“That is absolutely not true,” says James, 42, bristling at Internet reports that he’s split from the LA Ink star. “We’re still going strong. Things are completely good with us.”

Adds Von D: “That’s the furthest thing from the truth.”

In fact, the pair, who were engaged in January, are planning a summer wedding on the one-year anniversary of when they started dating, James reveals.

“That day can’t come soon enough!” he says.

“Everything is on track,” says James. “I am absolutely more in love today than I was a year ago. She’s the one for me.”

Oh, I’m sure they’ll last another year. They both radiate such sound decision-making skills and seem completely well-adjusted and emotionally stable. I’m kidding, of course. I’d sooner tether my wagon to mattress stuffed with cobras.

Everyone’s been speculating as to what went wrong between Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner, but I bet none of you considered the fact that she had been planning the split for weeks and timed it in order to capitalize on a “I Left Hugh at the Altar” made-for-TV movie deal she was negotiating behind his back. Gold-diggers the world over tip their hat to you, Ms. Harris. This is the part where you golf clap and nod approvingly. Page Six says:

Hugh Hefner’s wedding to Crystal Harris was called off after she secretly planned to ditch the Playboy mogul at the altar in return for a $500,000 media deal.

Harris, 25, was shopping for a big-bucks deal to tell all after she ditched hapless Hef, 85, in front of 300 guests at their wedding at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday, to be filmed for a Lifetime TV special.

A source told us, “Crystal wanted to ditch Hef at the altar. Her plan was to walk up the aisle and say she couldn’t go through with it. The wedding was to be filmed for a reality special, and her refusal to marry him would be a sensation. She was looking for a tie-in deal of around $500,000 for the exclusive ‘I ditched Hef at the altar’ interview. While there was interest, Crystal didn’t get an offer anywhere near half a million.”

It is not known if the Sunday argument was sparked by Hef finding out about her plan to humiliate him.

The last-minute cancellation is unfortunate timing for Playboy, considering its July issue hits newsstands tomorrow with “The New Mrs. Crystal Hefner!” on the cover. The Daily Mail says:

‘Recent events call for a special sticker on the July cover. Look for it on newsstands,’ Hefner said on Twitter.

A big red sticker announcing ‘Runaway Bride In This Issue!’ covers most of Harris’ bottom half.

She is wearing his trademark sailor’s cap and smoking jacket, and holding a pipe.

A spokeswoman said the sticker would appear only on newsstand copies since issues have already been mailed to subscribers.

And with that crumbles the last vestiges of the playboy persona Hugh’s worked so many decades to cultivate. He’s not America’s swingin’ bachelor, flanked by beautiful women who adore him; he’s an unwitting punchline, a sad, old man that got cuckolded and played like cheap banjo, surrounded by whores who tolerate him for a chance at brief notoriety. Still being to wipe himself is about all he’s got going for him now.

The New Not Mrs. Crystal Hefner nude:

Break out your smelling salts and your hankies, because the wedding of Hugh Hefner and his Playmate girlfriend Crystal Harris is OFF — she’s even gone so far as to move out of the mansion. I didn’t want to be the one to say it, but it almost makes you think that the 25-year old stripper and the octogenarian’s relationship wasn’t really based on mutual respect and love after all. TMZ says:

Hugh Hefner’s fiancee Crystal Harris is a real-life runaway bride — 5 days before walking down the aisle, she bailed out of the Playboy Mansion and multiple sources say the wedding is off!

Our sources — who are all at the mansion — say Crystal and Hef had a nasty argument this weekend on the phone. When the dust settled Crystal decided to 86 the nuptials and quickly moved her stuff out.

The wedding was supposed to go down Saturday.

Something doesn’t add up here. It doesn’t make any sense that she would be the one to bail. He didn’t even make her sign a prenup. It’s everything a sexually-abused-runaway-turned-stripper could want out of life. I bet what actually happened is that her dowry wasn’t in the form of Confederate bills and heads of oxen and Hugh was rightfully incensed.

UPDATE: Radar Online is now saying that Crystal bailed on Hugh to be with Dr. Phil’s son, Jordan McGraw. Dr. Phil was later quoted as saying, “Don’t mess with Texas!”

At the crowning of the 2011 Playmate of the Year at the Palms last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

After a year-long engagement, country music stars Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert were married in Texas this weekend. I guess he finally tasted all she’s cookin’ — and in this case, it was venison. According to People Magazine:

The couple exchanged vows Saturday night at the Don Strange Ranch north of San Antonio.

The menu was unique: venison, which the bride harvested herself.

Shelton, 34, proposed last May in the woods near Lambert’s Tishomingo, Okla., home.

I’m sorry — the bride served “venison she’d harvested herself?” Come on. That’s a bit over the top, even for country music stereotypes. They should have gone for something a little more believable, like a wedding dress made of possum skins and rebel flags and a guy in overalls playing the washboard and jug from the bed of a Ford F-150 truck.

I could go the rest of my life without hearing the words “royal wedding” ever again, and hopefully I won’t have to after today, since Prince William and Kate Middleton were mercifully married in Westminster Abbey this morning. Of course, all anybody really cares about is the dress — who designed it, what it looked like, and how soon David’s Bridal can get their Malaysian sweatshops cranking out cheap imitations. People Magazine says:

Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge walked down the aisle at Westminster Abbey Friday morning in a stunning Alexander McQueen white v-neck wedding gown with a long-sleeved lace overlay [and a] two-meter train. Sister Pippa was also in McQueen.

The dress was made by hand, using French Chantilly lace and English Cluny lace throughout the bodice, skirt and underskirt. The skirt, made of ivory and white satin gazar, was designed to emulate an opening flower: padded at the hips, it flowed out to the floor. The back of the dress was finished with 58 gazar and organza covered buttons fastened by Rouleau loops.

Kate wore her brunette locks in cascading curls. She topped the look with a ivory silk tulle veil, which was trimmed with hand-embroidered flowers. It was held in place by a Cartier ‘halo’ tiara, lent to Kate by the Queen. She also wore diamond drop earrings by Robinson Pelham, a gift from her parents.

Well, for a fairytale wedding, it was kinda disappointing. Nobody slew a dragon or regained their voice from a manipulative octopus sea-witch. There were no singing mice and Prince Charming was bald, for God’s sake. I haven’t seen what they’re going to do for their reception, but I bet it includes taking a dump on Hans Christian Andersen’s grave.

Video of the first “royal kiss” after the jump:

(more…)

LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian reportedly wed on Friday in an intimate ceremony in Malibu. It’s just like a fairytale! That is, if one of the Ugly Stepsisters ran off with Cinderella’s Prince Charming. Says Us Magazine,

Rimes, 28, and Cibrian, 37, married at sunset under a tree. (The two met in 2008 on the set of their Lifetime movie Northern Lights. At the time, both were married to other people. Us Weekly broke the news of their ongoing extramarital affair in March 2009.)

Following their “I do’s,” the couple and their guests partied on at the reception. Rimes thanked her mom and friends “for being so supportive and always being there for [her.]”

At 11:09 p.m., Cibrian and Rimes cut their three-tier wedding cake while the oldies song ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ played.

At 11:11 p.m., Cibrian made a toast. “Someone loves the f****** microphone and that’s me! We’ve both had much larger weddings before, about 100-150 people both, but we just wanted our closest of friends and family here with us tonight. The next one will be ever smaller though,” he joked. “We’ll just keep parring it down!” The crowd laughed had cheered, and Cibrian finished his toast, saying, “Seriously, you guys are here because you guys mean a lot to us.”

Rimes echoed Cibrian’s sentiments and told her guests, “I love you all.” She added: “Now let’s have some cake, bitches!”

After hitting the dance floor, the newlyweds left in an SUV at 12:52 a.m.

On Saturday, Rimes wrote on her Twitter page: “Eddie and I are overwhelmed by the amount of lovely well wishes. We are blessed and…. I’m Mrs. Cibrian!!! So wonderful to wake up as husband and wife. Love to all of you.”

Personally, I think “philanderer and harlot” have a much more musical ring than boring old “husband and wife”. That’s what I decided to go with anyway, when I got all my linens embroidered.

Rachel Bilson in a bikini with Hayden Christensen, because I’d take one bikini-clad Rachel over a dozen nude LeAnns:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Michael Bublé and Argentinian actress Luisana Lopilato were wed yesterday in a civil ceremony in Buenos Aires. Says Digital Spy,

The couple had a civil ceremony in Buenos Aires, Argentina, and later posed for fans after their nuptials, The AP reports.

It is believed that a larger ceremony will be held next month at a mansion outside the city with 300 guests attending.

Earlier this month, it was reported that the couple would wed on April 2 and have a second party in Canada.

“We have one in Argentina for her family and a few of my family, well a big one,” Bublé told Live! with Regis & Kelly. “And then I have a thing called an ‘unwedding’… a month later in Vancouver. It’s not like a wedding, it’s like a big party.”

That’s funny, I had a thing called an “unwedding” too, only mine happened 16 hours after the initial wedding ceremony in Vegas. I ended up marrying some random dude in a plaid suit with a comb-over and a serious case of halitosis. Psychotropic drugs and an unknown quantity of booze will really screw up your perception. Talk about going down the rabbit hole.

Posing for pictures after the ceremony:

They’ve been spied on covert dates before, but Scarlett Johansson officially went public with new boyfriend Sean Penn at her agent’s wedding to Reese Witherspoon this past weekend. Us Magazine says:

Johansson, 26, and Penn, 50, have tried to keep their fledgling romance quiet… but the duo were finally ready to go public on Saturday at Reese Witherspoon’s wedding to Jim Toth.

When the farm-style bash was over, Penn and Johansson stopped by Jimmy’s Bar for a nightcap and late-night grub.

After the table cleared, she sat in Penn’s lap — and they made out in full view for 15 minutes, according to the observer.

Sean Penn seems clinically incapable of experiencing joy or bowel movements, so I can only imagine how awful he is in the sack. He probably makes Scarlett wear a beard and smoke a cigar and yell things like “Imperialist, genocidal, fascist deconstruction of civil liberties!” and “Líder revolucionario!” the whole time they’re doing it.

Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon married boyfriend of one year Jim Toth at her 6-acre ranch in Ojai, California on Saturday. It was the second marriage for Reese, who was wed to actor Ryan Phillipe for seven years before divorcing him in 2007. Us Magazine says:

Wearing a custom-designed Monique Lhuillier gown, the actress, 35, exchanged vows with CAA agent Toth, 40, in front of 120 family members and friends (including Renee Zellweger, and Alyssa Milano, and Tobey Maguire) in the front courtyard of the Ojai house.

Witherspoon’s best friend, Heather Rosenfield, served as matron of honor, and her kids with ex-husband Ryan Phillippe — daughter Ava, 11, and son Deacon, 7 — took part in the ceremony. The Oscar winner’s young nieces served as flower girls.

The “Tennessee Waltz” was the processional music for Toth and the kids, while Witherspoon walked down the aisle to “Here Comes the Bride.”

I actually met Reese Witherspoon right after she did Fear at this bar called Boundry in Nashville, and she was as nice and down-to-earth as she could be. At least until my douchebag boyfriend sauntered up and asked her if being finger-banged by Mark Wahlberg was the highpoint of her career. Then she said, “Yeah, it’s on my fucking resume, asshole” and flipped us the bird before storming off. Then I cried because a famous person gave me the middle finger in public. True story.

Leaving church with Jim earlier this month:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Nicole Richie and baby daddy of her two bastard children Joel Madden had an elephant on hand as they were married in a “winter-themed ceremony” Saturday in Beverly Hills. Us Magazine says:

Held at the home of Nicole’s father, Lionel, the black-tie evening event was attended by approximately 150 family members and friends, including Khloe Kardashian and Samantha Ronson.

Officiating the ceremony was none other than Run-DMC rapper and reality star Rev. Run.

One other guest: an elephant! Around 5:40 p.m., the animal was led into a white tent with other revelers.

Well, is a wedding ever really a wedding without an elephant? Of course not! Just like it’s not a real baby shower without a couple of ostriches and one of those giant badgers that shoots fire.

Showing off the engagement ring earlier this year:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures