A picture of the greatest Olympic athlete of all time smoking pot made the media rounds over the weekend, outraging fogies and squares the world over. It seems Michael Phelps was photographed toking on a bong at a USC house party last November, where he was ass-tapping visiting a student there named Jordan Matthews. Michael quickly issued a public apology, telling the Associated Press in a written statement:

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

So what’s to become of his fledgling career and endorsement deals now? According to News of the World

After sporting chiefs announced laws which mean four-year bans for drug-taking, Phelps’ dreams of adding to his overall 14 gold medal tally at the 2012 games in London could already be over.

Phelps earned [$8 million] last year in endorsements… with huge brands such as Mastercard and HSBC. The [companies] admitted proven cannabis use would be “a major taint” on Phelps’ character.

Jesus effing Christ on a stick. So everybody’s cool with that DUI he got a few years back — Mastercard and HSBC are still content to milk that tainted cow — but God forbid he dare to smoke a little pot. You know, because driving drunk never killed anyone or ophaned any children or maimed any innocent bystanders the way marijuana does. No sir. Big companies can put their dollars behind DUIs. But smoking pot? Why, it’s like playing a game of Russian roulette. If instead of a gun you had a old N64 and instead of bullets you had Tostinos pizza rolls. Good on corporate giants for maintaining such a strict moral code and sense of decency.

Look out Britney and Jamie Lynn — there’s a new white trash queen in Louisiana! And she even had the crown to prove it. Until yesterday, that is. Miss Teen Louisiana 2008 Lindsey Evans has been stripped of her title after being arrested for theft and possession of marijuana. That Donald Trump sure knows how to pick ‘em. TMZ says

Evans was arrested this weekend after she and a group of friends allegedly tried to dine-and-dash over a $46.07 bill. Problem — the pageant queen left her purse at the scene of the crime. She went back to retrieve it, and was busted when cops found pot in the purse.

A key element of the dine ‘n dash is not leaving your identification at the scene. See, this is why your average pot-smoker is never a mastermind jewel thief or bank robber. It’s hard enough to remember where you put your keys after a few bong hits. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been driving high down a street within a five-mile radius from the house where I’ve lived for ten years and suddenly panicked because nothing looks familiar and I’m not sure if I’m going the right direction and oh, God, did I miss my exit five miles back? Seriously, this is a weekly occurrence for me. You get a couple of stoners to try to orchestrate a dine ‘n dash and you’ll end up with two stacks of cash on the table that both amount to the total bill plus tip, one guy’s smelly old coat, four lighters, a half a pack of Camel Lights and a fully loaded pipe inside somebody’s purse. Really, they’re the best customers a waiter could have.