Mariah Carey’s interview and performance on Britain’s “This Morning” started 90 minutes later than it was scheduled because she couldn’t be bothered to show up on time or decide which two-sizes-too-small dress to wear once she got there. The Daily Mail says

Mariah was due to arrive at 5 am but [didn't show up until] 6.

After finally arriving at the studios she delayed proceedings further by changing her mind over what outfit to wear.

["This Morning" host Philip] Schofield, who had earlier taken a picture of the star to upload to his Twitter page, was told by her publicity team that Mariah wanted to approve the picture first and banned the presenter from using it.

I really don’t know who these stars think they’re fooling by screening all their publicity photos. I mean really, does she honestly think we don’t know she’s a fatass? Does she think that by only signing off on photographs taken from her “good side” with her hand on her hips and her body twisted at a 45 degree angle and one foot in front of the other, we wouldn’t notice the extra thirty pounds around her midsection? Bitch, please. We’ve seen you in a swimsuit. Your knees look like goddamn Christmas hams and you could fit a fucking grapefruit in that trough of a belly button.

Unscreened pics of her filming a music video in L.A. earlier this month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

The only way Hilary Duff could look any boxier in these pictures is if she were stamped “This Side Up” and “100% Post-Consumer Content.” On the plus side, she’d make a great makeshift lean-to for a hobo.

In Hawaii yesterday:

You’ve heard of Moby Dick, Captain Ahab’s ultimate undoing, that infamous white whale. Now meet the brown version. Just call me Ishmael!

Mariah with husband Nick Cannon on Roberto Cavalli’s yacht in Cannes this weekend:

This is the last thing a triple-meat hoagie with extra bacon ever sees. Just one more reason to thank God you’re not a sandwich.

Kelly Clarkson performing at KISS FM’s Wango Tango over the weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Mavrix Online

Singer Mariah Carey has repeatedly claimed her measurements are a diminutive 34-22-35. Perhaps nobody ever told her you’re supposed to measure your bust, waist, and hips, not your forearms, neck, and thighs. Ugh. I haven’t seen that much pit sausage since Bring-Your-Own-Pork night at Talladega.

Celebrating her 1-year anniversary with husband Nick Cannon:

Kirstie Alley sat down with Oprah Winfrey yesterday to discuss her recent journey down the greasy, crumb-strewn path to complete fat-assery. Since being fired from her job as spoken person for weight loss company Jenny Craig, the actress has put on nearly 80 pounds due to what she calls “a lack of motivation.” The Daily Mail quotes her as saying

“[What caused the weight gain?] I just said, ‘I’m going to cut myself some slack.’ Big mistake. I thought, ‘You know what I need? You know what I haven’t had a lot of? I haven’t had a lot of dinner parties and company.’

But I’m going to lose 80 pounds [and] I’m going to be in a bikini again.”

It also didn’t help that she turned her home gym into a dining room. That’s like an alcoholic turning his home office into a wet bar or R. Kelly turning his studio into a middle school girls’ locker room.

Which face is the most nauseating? You decide:

Sally Struthers Jessica Simpson performed at a local Pembroke radio station “Chili Cook-off” in Florida over the weekend, and god damn did she look fat doing it. I mean, just… wow. So, anyway, after “bingo hall” and “chili cook-off,” what’s next for Ms. Simpson, you ask? I’m going with “telling wayward teens she’s thrice divorced and lives in a van down by the river” or “asphyxiating face down in a peanut butter pie.” I guess we’ll just have to wait and see!