Jessica Simpson’s Boobs Are Here to Help
Tags: fat, Jessica Simpson, photos, pictures, weight gain

I get a lot of hatemail telling me what a misogynistic douchebag I am because I call out celebrities for being fat. Like this post about Jessica Simpson, for example. So in light of all the angry comments and emails, I think I need to explain my reasoning for calling her fat yesterday, so that we can put all this ugliness behinds us and move on with our lives. Or at least so you’ll fuck off and stop being such a whiny crybaby bitch.
Let me begin by saying that fat does not mean obese. I wasn’t saying she’s obese, because she’s clearly not. “Plump” or “chubby” or “ample,” yes. Come on. Just look at her. She’s carrying about fifteen extra pounds around her midsection, whether you want to believe it or not. It’s right fucking there in the pictures. That part’s really not up for debate, because it’s a fact.
So why call her out on it, you ask? Well, here’s why. One, because it’s what I do. Two, she has a slew of dietitians, personal chefs and trainers at her disposal any given time of day; and three, she has more free time in one day than you and I will have in the space of two fucking weeks. That bitch has nothing but time. Somewhere in between getting a manicure and shooting another ProActiv commercial, she ought to be able to squeeze in a half hour at the gym. It’s her job to be attractive. Let’s not pretend she’s a real musician here. Her singing was always average at best — what sold it was the package, the buxom blonde bombshell, the great body.
Now, is she still better looking than 95% of America? Sure she is, because most of us are twenty pounds overweight anyway. So we can all agree here that yes, she is attractive, and yes, she’s gained some weight. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
And lastly, it’s my job to make fun of these people. If you want to read some kiss-ass ode to the wonderfulness that is Hollywood, you’re on the wrong fucking site. Snark is the name of the game here. If you can’t handle it, go back to typing your angry emails and wallowing in your tubs of Rocky Road and self-loathing. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m off to the gym. You know what they say — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t walk around naked. Not unless they’ve got my 12% body fat and rock-hard gluts, anyway. Recognize!
And now for the one thing that binds us all together — boobs:
PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News




































