I get a lot of hatemail telling me what a misogynistic douchebag I am because I call out celebrities for being fat. Like this post about Jessica Simpson, for example. So in light of all the angry comments and emails, I think I need to explain my reasoning for calling her fat yesterday, so that we can put all this ugliness behinds us and move on with our lives. Or at least so you’ll fuck off and stop being such a whiny crybaby bitch.

Let me begin by saying that fat does not mean obese. I wasn’t saying she’s obese, because she’s clearly not. “Plump” or “chubby” or “ample,” yes. Come on. Just look at her. She’s carrying about fifteen extra pounds around her midsection, whether you want to believe it or not. It’s right fucking there in the pictures. That part’s really not up for debate, because it’s a fact.

So why call her out on it, you ask? Well, here’s why. One, because it’s what I do. Two, she has a slew of dietitians, personal chefs and trainers at her disposal any given time of day; and three, she has more free time in one day than you and I will have in the space of two fucking weeks. That bitch has nothing but time. Somewhere in between getting a manicure and shooting another ProActiv commercial, she ought to be able to squeeze in a half hour at the gym. It’s her job to be attractive. Let’s not pretend she’s a real musician here. Her singing was always average at best — what sold it was the package, the buxom blonde bombshell, the great body.

Now, is she still better looking than 95% of America? Sure she is, because most of us are twenty pounds overweight anyway. So we can all agree here that yes, she is attractive, and yes, she’s gained some weight. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

And lastly, it’s my job to make fun of these people. If you want to read some kiss-ass ode to the wonderfulness that is Hollywood, you’re on the wrong fucking site. Snark is the name of the game here. If you can’t handle it, go back to typing your angry emails and wallowing in your tubs of Rocky Road and self-loathing. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m off to the gym. You know what they say — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t walk around naked. Not unless they’ve got my 12% body fat and rock-hard gluts, anyway. Recognize!

And now for the one thing that binds us all together — boobs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jessica Simpson was on “The Late Show” with David Letterman last night, presumably to talk about her new show “The Price of Beauty,” but of course she spent most of the time talking about the men who’d dumped her and being fat. Well, technically, she didn’t as much talk about being fat as she did wear a dress that made her look like the broad side of a Mack truck, so I assume she was trying to broach the subject tastefully. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. That probably translates to about a hundred and sixty pounds, give or take, if you could actually weigh them.

Watch the interview after the jump.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Mariah Carey and her bulging Valentino dress intimated that she might be pregnant during an interview at last night’s Academy Awards. The Daily Mail says

To the glitz and glamour of the Oscars red carpet last night, Mariah Carey added a touch of intrigue by hinting that she was pregnant.

Looking radiant, the 39-year-old told reporters that ‘something special’ was about to happen but refused to elaborate further.

We don’t necessarily know that she’s referring to a pregnancy here. That “something special” that’s “about to happen” could just be that an entire triple-layer cheesecake is about to drop into her lower intestine, giving her enough room to down another couple of plates at the Oscar buffet. I don’t want to go putting words in her mouth here. Mostly because she would probably try and eat them.

With husband Jack Sprat Nick Cannon on the red carpet:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

You know, if they didn’t want Kelly Clarkson to try and eat the microphone, they shouldn’t have made the mic in the shape of a delicious foot-long Ho-Ho. That’s just setting her up for failure. It’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Fortunately for us, I’m pretty sure Kelly Clarkson is totally colorblind. I think it’s pretty obvious she only sees in shades of chocolate and bacon.

Perfoming at London’s O2 Arena on Tuesday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

If there’s one thing fat girls never let get in their way, it’s a lack of forks and spoons. Or dignity. Case in point (via Page Six)

At Mischa Barton’s 23rd birthday party at Meatpacking District hot spot SL on Sunday night… the staff surprised Barton with a huge birthday cake but neglected to bring out utensils. By the time waitresses returned with forks and knives, the starlet and her friends had already devoured much of the cake with their bare hands.

If I were a fortune cookie, I’d say “Elastic waist pants and chafing powder are in your future. Lucky numbers 10, 64, 7.” But we all know Mischa would probably just have eaten the little paper inside, because breaking open a cookie to read something is just a waste of valuable chewing and swallowing time. Just one more reason to be thankful you’re not a Chinese dessert.

More of her as a prostitute on Law and Order: SVU:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Jessica Simpson lumbered out of whatever cave she’s been hiding in for the last six months for sister Ashlee’s debut performance on Broadway last night. I’m guessing her inspiration for that dress was that python that tried to eat the alligator but exploded halfway through the job. I haven’t seen that many lumps and ridges since my wax relief map of the Shenandoah Valley melted in the front seat of the car.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Mariah Carey’s interview and performance on Britain’s “This Morning” started 90 minutes later than it was scheduled because she couldn’t be bothered to show up on time or decide which two-sizes-too-small dress to wear once she got there. The Daily Mail says

Mariah was due to arrive at 5 am but [didn't show up until] 6.

After finally arriving at the studios she delayed proceedings further by changing her mind over what outfit to wear.

["This Morning" host Philip] Schofield, who had earlier taken a picture of the star to upload to his Twitter page, was told by her publicity team that Mariah wanted to approve the picture first and banned the presenter from using it.

I really don’t know who these stars think they’re fooling by screening all their publicity photos. I mean really, does she honestly think we don’t know she’s a fatass? Does she think that by only signing off on photographs taken from her “good side” with her hand on her hips and her body twisted at a 45 degree angle and one foot in front of the other, we wouldn’t notice the extra thirty pounds around her midsection? Bitch, please. We’ve seen you in a swimsuit. Your knees look like goddamn Christmas hams and you could fit a fucking grapefruit in that trough of a belly button.

Unscreened pics of her filming a music video in L.A. earlier this month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

The only way Hilary Duff could look any boxier in these pictures is if she were stamped “This Side Up” and “100% Post-Consumer Content.” On the plus side, she’d make a great makeshift lean-to for a hobo.

In Hawaii yesterday:

You’ve heard of Moby Dick, Captain Ahab’s ultimate undoing, that infamous white whale. Now meet the brown version. Just call me Ishmael!

Mariah with husband Nick Cannon on Roberto Cavalli’s yacht in Cannes this weekend:

This is the last thing a triple-meat hoagie with extra bacon ever sees. Just one more reason to thank God you’re not a sandwich.

Kelly Clarkson performing at KISS FM’s Wango Tango over the weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Mavrix Online

Singer Mariah Carey has repeatedly claimed her measurements are a diminutive 34-22-35. Perhaps nobody ever told her you’re supposed to measure your bust, waist, and hips, not your forearms, neck, and thighs. Ugh. I haven’t seen that much pit sausage since Bring-Your-Own-Pork night at Talladega.

Celebrating her 1-year anniversary with husband Nick Cannon:

Kirstie Alley sat down with Oprah Winfrey yesterday to discuss her recent journey down the greasy, crumb-strewn path to complete fat-assery. Since being fired from her job as spoken person for weight loss company Jenny Craig, the actress has put on nearly 80 pounds due to what she calls “a lack of motivation.” The Daily Mail quotes her as saying

“[What caused the weight gain?] I just said, ‘I’m going to cut myself some slack.’ Big mistake. I thought, ‘You know what I need? You know what I haven’t had a lot of? I haven’t had a lot of dinner parties and company.’

But I’m going to lose 80 pounds [and] I’m going to be in a bikini again.”

It also didn’t help that she turned her home gym into a dining room. That’s like an alcoholic turning his home office into a wet bar or R. Kelly turning his studio into a middle school girls’ locker room.

Which face is the most nauseating? You decide: