Katie Holmes sported the world’s most unflattering pair of denim shorts on the set of her new straight-to-DVD movie “The Romantics.” Really, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a severe case of White Man’s Ass. It looks like her buttocks were pounded out using the broad side of a snow shovel.

With “True Blood’s” Anna Paquin yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

These photos of 29-year-old Christina Ricci in a bikini in Miami with her new boyfriend are really amazing. I mean, with all that forehead, you’d think they’d have to print a “to be continued” on every last one of the pics, but they somehow managed to fit all of it inside the frame. That’s some serious quality photography right there. I bet it’d be like watching a goddamn drive-in movie if you could see inside her head when she dreamed.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

My Dearest Victoria,

Listen up, honey.  You’re wee and maniacal and totally insane and I love it all so much.  I have a long history of inexplicable fondness for your crazy ass so I will not be at all pleased when you drop dead of malnutrition, which will most assuredly happen if you do not EAT SOMETHING.

Look, I get it, okay?  You’re a skinny little bitch.  You always have been, and that’s fine.  You like being all orange leather stretched over sharp angles, and I’m delighted that you’re always so damn pleased with yourself, but you’re looking positively emaciated lately and I AM CONCERNED.  That clavicle; it concerns me.  Also, I’m not positive, but I think I can see your spine through your sternum and that shit just ain’t right.

KNOCK IT OFF.  HAVE A SANDWICH.  DON’T HOLD THE MAYO.

Kisses,
Sarah

Victoria Beckham leaving her hotel in New York today:

When did Renee Zellweger get so fat? I mean, you can’t even see the separation between the ulna and the radius in her forearms. Gross. Time to get your fatass on a treadmill and an enema in your pooper, NeNe! Those pounds aren’t going to just magically disappear on their own, you know!

Arriving to Good Morning America yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Dying to know the secret behind Britney Spears’ “bikini body?” Then it’s safe to assume you’re severely myopic. OK! Magazine says

The sexy mom can credit her slamming new body in part to the Sunfare diet, a gourmet meal delivery company which counts stars such as Eva Longoria Parker, Marcia Cross and Khloe Kardashian among its fans. [Sunfare] incorporates a balanced, low-carb approach of three big meals and two snacks per day, all documented through the delivery system.

The other major factor behind Brit’s renewed physique is good old-fashioned hard work in the dance studio and on stage.

I’ve seen the secret behind Britney’s bikini body. A bag full of laxatives and a blood stream full of methamphetamines, wasn’t it? Sorry, but shitting my pants and coughing up blood really cramps my style. I’ve already done freshman year once before, thank you very much.

Shopping on Robertson Boulevard in L.A.:

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News Online

Meet little Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay lives in a small North American village known as “Los Angeles,” estranged from her twice-incarcerated alcoholic father and small-time child pimp mother. She is just one of the hundreds of celebrities waiting for a sponsor like you. For less than $600 a day, you can give her a chance to escape impending bankruptcy by providing her with some of life’s basic needs* — cocaine, semen, and imported vodka. Won’t you call today?

_{*No goats or chickens, please.}

Celebrating her birthday a week early in Vegas:

Hi guys, it’s Sarah today.  There’s really nothing going on except for more of the same crap about Jon & Kate and Miss Homophobic California, and I would imagine you guys are at least as sick and tired of those people and their boring bullshit as I am.  So let’s take a minute to talk about Victoria Beckham and wtf she was wearing to fly into Heathrow, shall we?

God, I love how crazy Posh is.  I love how she looks like an orange android and dresses like she’s from a 1992 music video set 180 years in the future.  Normal people wear pajamas on airplanes, or maybe some yoga pants if they’re feeling fancy.  Posh?  Yeah, she’s dressed like what would happen if Elton John designed a militaristic Barbie doll for some kind of “support the troops” charity and then some Weird Science shit happened and it came to life.  Only angrier.  I love it all.  Also, I suspect at least one of her boys is folded up and packed neatly away in that ginormous bag.  I mean c’mon, Cruz would fit in there for sure, at least.

The only thing I’m not loving right now is how skinny she’s looking.  She’s always been wee because everybody knows she only believes in, like, Diet Coke and salad… but she’s starting to look a little rickety, especially around the wrists and collarbone.  Eat a sandwich, Posh.  Hell, even a Lean Cuisine.  Eat something.  You can’t waste away and leave me without the sparkle of your insanity to brighten my days, you heartless monster!

Arriving in London:

Tori Spelling has repeatedly denied that she suffers from an eating disorder, but it’s pretty apparent from these pictures that she’s a full-blown anorexic. For Chrissakes, look at her arms. Gross. I’ve seen starving horses pulled out of makeshift barns on “Animal Precinct” that didn’t look that disgusting.

Leaving Mr. Chow’s with husband Dean:

In even more pill-popping news, it’s being reported that Lindsay Lohan’s drastic weight loss comes courtesy of a prescription for the ADHD drug Adderall. According to Us Weekly

Lohan takes Adderall, a prescription drug usually given to people for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, to lose weight.

“She takes Adderall all the time,” one source told Us. “She gets jittery because of the way the pills affect her. It’s a major reason why she’s losing weight.”

And that’s not the only drug in her repertoire — sources say she’s still hooked on the white stuff. You know — the “throat candy.” “Man butter.” “Jizz.” Unfortunately, with semen’s current legal standing in the United States, it’s going to be damn near impossible to wean her off the stuff. Now we just wait for the inevitable moment when she asphyxiates taking two cocks at once and her addiction will tragically cum come full circle.

At the teen.com premiere of Haute and Bothered with sister Ali:

At the behest of his producers, Russell Crowe shed the nearly forty pounds he put on for “Body of Lies” for his upcoming title role as Robin Hood. Insiders say the weight loss was mandated by studio execs after “Robin Hood: Prince of Cheese Dumplings” failed to resonate with test audiences.

Before:

After:

Jessica Simpson’s extra 20 pounds aren’t the result emotional eating and abject desperation — turns out it was all Daddy’s idea. According to MSNBC

Let’s remember how well weight gain-and-loss stories sell magazines.

“She’s loving it,” said a source close to Simpson, who [says] her weight gain is strategic. “It will probably get her back on covers right when she is a ’supporting’ act on tour. I bet Joe (Simpson) has already sold the weight-loss story.”

Boy, talk about getting your money’s worth out of a girl! Maybe next Joe Simpson can wring her out like an old dish cloth, hang her buy her ankles and give her a good shaking and see if any loose change falls out. I’d mention rummaging through her orifices, but I figure he already took care of that when she hit puberty. Ooh, Daddy likey!

Making love to Lindsay Lohan must be like trying to fuck a damn dogwood sapling. All spindly and limbs snapping off and bowing beneath your weight and poking you in the ribs every time you change positions. But you can’t use a dogwood’s spine to grate cheese or its hip bones to julienne potatoes and make some wicked good cheese fries, can you? Advantage: Lindsay Lohan.

Shopping with her Mom and sister Ali in SoHo over the weekend: