I’m all for diet and exercise, but Miley Cyrus has lost so much weight that her head-to-body ratio is all wrong. Her head looks freakishly large, like the vertebrae in her neck might telescope at any moment under the strain of such an enormous load. She looks like a marionette minus the strings.
Sorry for the late updates today, boys and girls. My court-ordered community service ran a little long. Please accept these pics of a remarkably fit Miley Cyrus jogging in a sports bra as a token of my apology. Or don’t. See if I care. We both know you’re gonna look either way.
If Keira Knightley gets any skinnier, you’re going to be able to see her kidneys through her skin. I swear, you could paint her yellow and she’d be virtually indistinguishable from a rubber chicken.
At the premiere of “A Dangerous Method” in London last night:
If someone had told me that there were busty girls in string bikinis jumping up and down and spreading their legs in Bochee Ball, I might have actually played it, instead of just yelling that it was a game for faggots and urinating on the green. In hindsight, that may have been a tad premature.
LeAnn Rimes playing Bochee Ball/aerial jumping jacks in Hawaii (10 more pics after the jump):
Nothing ruins a good bikini picture like a stupid baby. It makes masturbating take twice as long, and as you well know, I don’t have that kind of time. Not while the ancient flowers in the Larunya Mines in Zelda Skyward Sword still beckon.
LeAnn Rimes in Hawaii over the weekend:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Yesterday I said that Leann Rimes’ ass was all flat and sad and Caucasoid, and then today I see these pictures of her in a different bikini. Look, I’m not one to mince words, and I’m not one who won’t own up to mistakes. I was wrong about Leann Rimes’ ass. Plain and simple. It’s just all part of the learning process. Mistakes are how we grow. I know it will take a while for you to trust me again, but with time and healing, I think we can make our way through this.
Leann Rimes and her very not-sad not-flat technically-Caucasoid-but-not-in-the-way-I-meant-it ass in Hawaii
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Leann Rimes looks like she’s flaring her nostrils in every last one of these pictures, which means she’s either permanently in a huff (entirely plausible) or she’s lost so much weight that her nostrils are too big for her face (also entirely plausible). Thank God the breast implants are there to distract from it.
With husband Eddie Cibrian in Hawaii:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Mischa Barton is also in a bikini in Miami this week, and while it’s nothing spectacular, it’s still a helluva lot better than it was this time a couple of years ago. It’s amazing what three less chins can do for a gal!
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Obscenely pregnant Jessica Simpson just signed an estimated $3 million deal with Weight Watchers to lose the post-pregnancy weight and become a news spokesperson for their weight loss program. According to Page Six:
Sources tell us the blond star has been fielding offers from a number of weight-loss programs, [but she ultimately chose to go with Weight Watchers].
One source said, “The deal is in place, and after having her baby, she’ll start with Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight.”
So it actually behooves her to put on more weight before the baby comes because then her post-pregnancy weight loss will seem all the more drastic. It will inspire fatties everywhere to believe the secret to looking like a slightly less bloated Jessica Simpson is measuring portions and assigning points and ordering from the WW section of the menu at Applebee’s, when the reality is it will be the personal trainer, the personal chef, a prescription for Adderall and Ambien, illegally obtained human growth hormone and $10,000 worth of liposuction and that will make Jessica Simpson look like she did before the baby and Krispy Kreme wrecked her body.
With fiance Eric Johnson and sister Ashlee and her son Bronx in New York yesterday:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Photos of Angelina Jolie boarding her private plane looking like a damn corpse have sparked new concerns that the actress is suffering from an eating disorder. She’s barely a hundred pounds soaking wet and she’s five fucking eight. Of course the bitch has an eating disorder. Jesus. Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills The Daily Mail says:
According to Grazia magazine, Angelina survives on as little as 600 calories a day.
“Angelina has been known to start her day with little more than a spoonful of coconut oil and a handful of cereal,” a source told Grazia last week.
“Sometimes she’ll skip lunch altogether or will just grab a few almonds and some gummy bears while she’s on the go, or will have a protein-based shake.
A lot of people are worried that she is taking things too far… everyone has been begging her to eat more, but unfortunately she just doesn’t seem to be putting on any more weight.”
Angelina Jolie was so stunningly beautiful back in her Lara Croft heyday, and now she looks like something that should be haunting a lake. She’s all sinew and bone. Shaking hands with her would be like shaking hands with a damn eagle.
And now for someone who clearly ISN’T anorexic, the lovely Salma Hayek at the “Puss ‘n Boots” photocall in Rome:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
I know I just told you about Mariah’s post-pregnancy 70 pound weight loss, but it’s feast or famine in the gossip world here lately, so I’m gonna make a whole other post about her ridiculously photoshopped “bikini bod” on the cover of Us Weekly. I know, I know — two Mariah posts in one day? Look, I didn’t want this for us either. Believe me. I wanted Lindsay Lohan to get hit by a bus. Not to say I’m not still holding out hope. I just play the cards I’m dealt.
Unveiling herself as a Jenny Craig spokesmodel today:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Mariah Carey made an appearance on Rosie O’Donnell’s soon-to-be-canceled “The Rosie Show” to reveal her incredible seventy pound weight loss since giving birth to twins six months ago. The Daily Mail says:
Arriving in style, being lowered onto the stage on a crescent shaped moon, the songstress proudly showed off her figure in a skin-tight black mini skirt and a cleavage-baring leather jacket.
She went on to reveal that she has dropped an incredible 70lbs over recent months.
Mariah started the strict Jenny diet plan, for which she is now a spokeswoman.
She said: ‘The first week, I lost 40 pounds… of just water. It was just water, initially. But when I started with the program, I lost at least 30 lbs of weight that needed to be lost.’
‘The diet is 90 percent of it,’ she told Rosie.
Hang on… I’m sorry, but since when has “being lowered onto the stage on a crescent shaped moon” been considered the height of “arriving in style?” She looks like a suckling pig on a platter.
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