“Star Wars” actress and Jenny Craig spokesperson Carrie Fisher revealed her fifty-pound weight loss and a brand-new face on “The Today Show” this morning. The Daily Mail says:

The actress has shed 50lbs in nine months since becoming the face of diet company, Jenny Craig.

But some couldn’t help but notice that her face, as well as her body, seems to have undergone a transformation of sorts.

While she kept quite about her rejuvenated features, she was certainly forthcoming about her decision to lose weight.

Carrie’s new face looks comes courtesy of Botox, cheek and lip fillers, an eyebrow lift and maybe even a neck tuck. I hate it. She looks pissed off the whole time she’s talking because her face only moves from about a third of the way down. It’s like she’s grimacing her way through the interview. Granted, I would be grimacing too if I were sitting three feet from Ann Curry, but that’s not really the point. The point is that Carrie’s had more work done than the Millennium Falcon. High five!

Janet Jackson was in Copenhagen last night on her Number Ones: Up Close And Personal Tour, and despite her continuously yo-yo-ing weight, she seemed to be in great physical shape now. When asked the secret to her new physique, she said, “Lots of gamma radiation,” before yelling, “Janet angry! Janet smash!” and flinging an army tank clear over the Andes.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The only woman in the world who might love herself more than Adrianne Curry is LeAnn Rimes, as evidenced by her insatiable need to post pictures of herself in a bikini on the internet every five goddamn minutes. Like these two pics, for example, taken while on honeymoon with current husband Eddie Cibrian in Mexico last week. The Daily Mail says:

The holiday picture – which shows the Grammy award winner on the beach in a blue and white two piece – quickly prompted concern among some of her thousands of her followers.

A fan wrote that the star looked ‘scary skinny.’

But LeAnn jumped straight on the defense, saying: ‘Those are called abs not bones love.’

She went on to say: ‘Thx but this is my body and I can promise you I’m a healthy girl. I’m just lean. Thx for your concern but no need to be.’

If those sharp, jutting, pointy things on her lower torso are supposed to be her abdominal “muscles”, she’s either in the process of digesting a bunch of roofing tiles or a baby pterodactyl is trying to claw its way out of her abdomen. Hips don’t lie, my friends. Just ask Shakira.

Dancing with the Stars’ resident fatass Kirstie Alley claims she’s dropped nearly three dress sizes in the last two months, thanks to a stringent diet and rigorous dance rehearsals. The Daily Mail says:

Kirstie claims that she has dropped from a U.S. size 12 to a size 6.

She recently admitted that her secret to weight loss was to consume just 1,400 calories a day, well below the recommended 2,000 for women.

I’ll admit she looks thinner in these pics, but I have a feeling this “dramatic weight loss” is just the sheer luck of being photographed from the right angle while wearing a pair of industrial-grade Spanx. Those underpants have got to be reinforced with some kind of titatanium alloy/kevlar blend to withstand the pressure of stuffing 200 pounds of ass into a size 6 dress. It’s the same principal behind using buttresses to support load-bearing walls on medieval cathedrals.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

There’s something very different about Candice Swanepoel’s print ad (right) and the real Candice Swanepoel (left). It might be the new buttery blond highlights, or it could be that she doesn’t appear to be in the first stages of anorexia-induced kidney failure or suffering from muscle wastage. I guess only her stylist knows for sure!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

After losing more than 30 pounds in the last year, American Idol castoff Jordin Sparks posted the above picture of herself in a bikini on Twitter yesterday. I’m not sure what kind of special diet she was on, but judging from her stomach, I’d say it was probably along the lines of not eating more than you can lift. It’s clearly paid off in spare tires spades for the singer.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but the last time I saw someone lose this much weight, there was a vengeful gypsy and a pie-transferable curse involved. Now we just wait for Seth Rogen to start growing scales and Jason Segel to get a wicked case of acne.

Leann Rimes posted a picture of herself in a bikini on her Twitter yesterday (above, right) in an attempt to convince you that she’s not suffering from an eating disorder (above, left). And then to prove just how not eating-disorder-stricken she is, she repeatedly talked about how much she loved cookies(!) and pizza(!) and for good measure added that she didn’t have an eating disorder like seven more times. From her Twitter:

LOVE Thin Mint Cookies! I never know where to buy GS Cookies, so I’m always elated when someone I know has them! Love Thin Mints frozen!”

@lindseyg696 you don’t know me, you have NO idea what I weigh or eat, so why should you have any opinion about my weight?

@lindseyg696 I own that I am healthy and take dang goof care of my body, that’s what I own.

@KarlaHoffman last time we ordered pizza for the boys at our house you were there and I didn’t pass it up. You’ve witnessed it!

@sheilalambert11 I have no eating disorder and I’m healthy

@sweetness509 obviously! I’m not promoting anything BUT health. I workout 3-4 times a week and eat a healthy diet and treat myself.

@amejean @karlahoffman opinion should be based off of facts! There are no facts here other than yes, obviously I’ve lost weight, but I’m not unhealthy, I eat and take care of my body. I went through a divorce and couldn’t get out of bed for days for two years! I’m happy, healthy, joyful and active and work my butt off. That’s life, things change up and down. Real concern comes from people that know me and love me, not a stranger. From a stranger it’s called judgement and not needed. DONE.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Me also thinks nobody really giveth a shit either way. ‘Tis Leann Rimes. The only reason I even posteth these tweets was to misquoteth Hamlet and talketh like an 18th century bard.

22-year-old Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel revealed a shockingly emaciated frame when she stepped out in their new swimwear line at The Mondrian hotel in L.A. yesterday. Between swirling around the Ark of the Covenant and commandeering the Army of the Dead in an epic battle against Sauron’s dark army, I bet she stays really busy this time of year.

What in the holy hell happened to Megan Fox? She showed up at the Golden Globes looking like she was fresh off a year in a concentration camp. And not just any concentration camp, but a concentration camp where they make you wear a hornet’s nest as a helmet while Ike Turner works out his anger issues on your face. The only way this makes any sense is if Brian Austin Green’s penis is really an evil amulet filled with poison and laxatives.

Wearing the latest in breast-binding rhinestone seatbelts:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Further reinforcing that crap is king, the Twilight saga was the big winner at last night’s People Choice Awards. Apparently, all the “people” who “chose” the winners of these awards were under fifteen and had ovaries. People Magazine says:

The latest installment in the [Twilight] series, Eclipse, picked up four awards, including favorite movie, surpassing nominees including The Social Network and Inception.

It also won favorite drama movie and favorite on-screen team, and star Kristen Stewart beat out Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston for favorite movie actress as Bella Swan.

Adam Sandler won for favorite comedic star, while his hit flick Grown Ups was favorite comedic movie.

Eminem [snagged 3 awards], the most in the music category.

The big news of the night, though, was not the stunning lack of A-listers or Raven-Symone’s drastic weight loss or Ashley Tisdale’s Chernobyl skin — it was Khloe Kardashian’s new red hair. At least according to People Magazine:

Khloe Kardashian stole the spotlight from her sisters at last night’s People’s Choice Awards, debuting newly dyed red hair that set her apart from her raven-haired siblings. “I love it! It’s fun!” Khloe [said]. “I wanted to stand out for a little bit.”

Being a lumbering Sasquatch already made her stand out from her sisters plenty. She didn’t need any help making herself visible in a crowd. Hell, that Where’s Waldo guy blends into large groups better than this bitch does, and he only has half the back fat.

The Kardashians holding their Favorite TV Guilty Pleasure award, plus Raven-Symone, Selena Gomez, Emma Roberts and Ashley Tisdale:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

There have been rumors going around for a while now that Angelina Jolie is suffering from anorexia, but I don’t believe it. I know for a fact she eats. Albeit mostly human brains and the occasional clump of dirt that winds up in her mouth when she’s clawing her way out of a grave, but still. Calories are calories, am I right?

In Paris yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures