Actress Salma Hayek gave not only of her time and her money on a recent mission trip to Afrcia — she also gave of her breasts. Yep, you read that right. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. According to USA Today

“[There was this] baby [that] was perfectly healthy, but the mother didn’t have milk. He was very hungry. I was weaning Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk that I was pumping, so I breast-fed the baby. You should have seen his eyes. When he felt the nourishment, he immediately stopped crying.”

That little trick doesn’t just work with babies, you know. It works with men, too. Whenever they start whinin’ and bitchin’ about something ridiculous, just pop a titty¹ out and shove it in their stupid face until they stop making noise. It usually takes about two or three minutes, depending on their lung capacity, and it helps to have already taped his hands to the couch. And you also have to make sure your areola is covering both the nostrils and the mouth hole, or it won’t work. You know you’re golden when the feet stop twitching. Presto! Now the bastard will never bother you again. We could all learn a lesson in kindness from Salma Hayek.

¹_{Those of you with anything less than a C cup might wanna stick with an iron skillet and a bag of arsenic.}

At the National Board of Review last month: