After skewering himself in the monologue (video below), David Letterman publicly apologized to both his wife and his staff (video above) for his involvement in a Late Show sex scandal. He said (via Radar Online):

“I’m terribly sorry that I put the staff in that position. Inadvertently, I just wasn’t thinking ahead. And, moreover, the staff here has been wonderfully supportive to me, not just through this furor, but through all the years that we’ve been on television and especially all the years here at CBS, so, again, my thanks to the staff for, once again, putting up with something stupid I’ve gotten myself involved in.

Now the other thing is my wife, Regina. She has been horribly hurt by my behavior, and when something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it’s your responsibility, you try to fix it. And at that point, there’s only two things that can happen: either you’re going to make some progress and get it fixed, or you’re going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed, so let me tell you folks, I got my work cut out for me.”

That’s nice and all, but I would still like to point out that Letterman has yet to apologize to you and me for constantly subjecting us to the mental image of his soggy sixty-year-old-man balls in action. I know my mind’s eye can’t even begin the healing process without first getting a proper apology.

Opening monologue:

Mel Gibson’s wife Robyn filed for divorce from her husband of 28 years last Friday, citing “irreconcilable differences.” According to TMZ

There is no prenuptial agreement — they were married in 1980, before Mel Gibson amassed a fortune estimated at $900 million. Under the laws of California, community property — which includes earnings — is divided 50/50.

Robyn is also asking for spousal support and attorneys fees.

Gibson was later seen swathed in blue paint atop an agitated horse in front the mansion he and his wife once shared, waving a Claymore sword and yelling, “You may take my stock options and my summer home in the Hamptons, but you’ll never take… MY FREEDOM!”

Various states of “You goddamn kids get off my lawn”:

Former UFC fighter Justin Levens and his wife Sarah McLean Evans were found shot to death in their Southern California home yesterday. TMZ reports

Sources say cops are investigating their deaths as a possible murder/suicide. Levens had a career record of 9-8 and fought in several different MMA leagues, including the IFL, WEC and UFC. In a morbid twist, Levens once lost to Evan Tanner — the UFC fighter who was found dead in the desert back in September.

This might be a little “out there,” but perhaps those who elect to beat the living fuck out of each other for a living aren’t as psychologically stable as one might suspect. And if that’s true, it could also stand to reason that strippers might not be the paragons of emotionally-healthy sexuality that I always believed. Wow. Just take that all in. If you need a minute to sit down and exhale noisily with your hands behind your head, I’ll understand. It’s not every day you get suckerpunched with a renegade theory like this. Who knows what the truth really is, man.

And to cover the “boobs” part of that story, model Aggiolina Karkampouna in this month’s Greek Maxim Magazine:

Comedienne Wanda Dykes Sykes officially came out of the closet on Saturday, revealing that she married her long-time partner shortly before the passage of Proposition 8 banning gay marriage in the state of California. She said (via E! Online):

“You know, I don’t really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn’t feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life.

[But then] I got pissed off. They pissed me off. I said, ‘You know what? Now I gotta get in your face.’ And that’s what we all have to do now. They pissed off the wrong group of people. They have galvanized a community… Instead of having gay marriage in California, we’re going to get it across the country.”

When my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage also recognized in Nevada, in Arizona, all the way to New York. How can you stop people from loving each other? I am proud to be a woman. I’m proud to be a black woman and I’m proud to be gay.”

What was that? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was busy trying to bury the image of Wanda Sykes muff-diving some be-flanneled she-beast somewhere deep in my subconscious. I’m sure there’s still room in there between “summer camp with Father O’Houlian’” and “that time in high school when I found my mom’s dildo.”

Speaking of she-beasts, here’s Kim Kardashian with sister Kourtney and that dumb twat from “Laguna Beach” in Miami this weekend: