The faggy kid was the big winner of American Idol’s tenth season, beating out the chubby girl in a star-studded crapfest that I didn’t bother watching last night because I was too busy huffing glue. The Daily Mail says:

With an astonishing 122million votes cast by viewers, there was no doubt that Scotty McCreery was the popular choice, with Lauren Alaina coming in second place.

‘I never in my wildest dreams,’ said an emotional Scotty, whose strikingly deep, old-soul voice defies his youth.

The religious 17-year-old then added: I’ve got to thank the Lord first… he got me here.’

The star-studded show featured performances from Lady Gaga, Bono, The Edge, Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce, Judas Priest, Kirk Franklin, Jack Black, Tony Bennett, Carrie Underwood and Tom Jones.

Bono? Really, Bono was on American Idol promoting some Spiderman shit? And I thought I he couldn’t sink any lower than hawking Louis Vuitton man-purses for Marc Jacobs. That just goes to show you should never bank on artist integrity when there’s a dollar at stake. I think selling out just reached its zenith.

Lady Gaga and Jennifer Lopez performing (video of both, plus Beyonce & the female finalists after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Football star Hines Ward and dance partner Kym Johnson won the 12th season of Dancing with the Stars last night. I think this is the part where you’re supposed to pretend you care. The Daily Mail says:

Rivals Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy [took] second place over Mark Ballas and Disney sweetheart Chelsea Kane, who came in third place.

Kirstie showed off her rapidly diminishing figure during a sexy Cha Cha Cha with Maksim.

‘I think it would be fun to show the fans and the judges that my dress is half the size it was in week one,’ she said. ‘I have a lot more strength and a lot more stamina.’

I think what Kirstie was really lacking was a friendly barn spider to spell the word “radiant” in a web over her head when she was finished with her performance. Then she and Maks would have won for sure.

Lacey Schwimmer looking super-sexy at the DWTS after-party:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

American Idol really pulled out all the stops for Simon Cowell’s farewell appearance on the season finale last night: there were performances by the Bee Gees, Hall and Oates, Michael McDonald, Alice Cooper, Joe Cocker and Bret Michaels. I didn’t actually watch because I don’t give a fuck, but I think it’s safe to assume they all arrived in a DeLorean after making the jump from the year 1985.

Oh, and someone named Lee DeWyse won. I’m pretty sure his picture’s in there somewhere (ten more after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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In case you missed it, the finale of American Idol was last night, and everyone’s all up in arms because that one gay dude didn’t win. NY Daily News says

Kris Allen managed to pull off the upset of a lifetime. Going into the finale, there was talk of “red state-blue state” politics at work, with [Adam] Lambert’s painted fingernails, “guyliner,” and uncertain sexuality against Allen’s down-home, churchgoing sensibilities.

Seriously, I couldn’t care less about this if it were swathed in Charmin and floating in my toilet. So instead, enjoy a video of “Bikini Girl” Katrina Darrell’s triumphant bikini-clad return last night, where she was joined on stage by judge Kara DioGuardi for a rousing rendition of Mariah Carey’s “Vision of Love.” And by “rousing” I mean “Katrina rips open her dress and reveals her bikini at then end.” It’s the only part of the finale that won’t make you want to stab your own eyes out.

Wanna know who the big winner of “Rock of Love Bus” is? Oh, come on — don’t act like you don’t watch it. According to LA Late

The third [installment of the] “Rock Of” series was down to Mindy and Taya — [and] the winner of Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels is Taya Laurie Parker!

Taya Parker has a huge resume. She’s been in the January 2008 issue of Penthouse magazine, Penthouse Pet Of The Year for 2009; she was 2007’s Exotic Dancer of the Year; she’s been on Playboy.com, Playboy Girls, Playboy’s Busty Babes, and several other versions of the Playboy brand.

The series was confirmed in December as the final Rock Of special. So if this one isn’t love, then no more chances.

And if the whole “Bret Michael’s future wife thing” doesn’t work out, Taya Parker can always carve out her name in the anals annals of genetics research as the missing link between (NSFW) human and simian genitalia.

Honing her craft in various LSFW Penthouse spreads here; all the NSFW beefy vagina you can stomach after the jump.

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Want to know who won season 17 of Survivor? No? Well, Google says you do.. According to E! Online

After 36 days of roughing it in a coastal African nation, the five finalists savvy—and dumb-lucky—enough to become members of Survivor: Gabon’s catchall Nobag tribe went through one last stretch of challenges to win a chance at winning.

Finally, when placed before a jury of their peers (and sworn enemies) on Sunday’s two-hour Survivor finale, aka Day 39, the last three castaways pleaded their cases to the best of their ability.

And when all was said and done, bow-tie-wearing Bob Crowley, proving that nice-and-scrawny guys do not finish last, was named Sole Survivor on the 17th-season finale of CBS’ pioneering reality show, the oldest winner in the history of the game.

But while everyone figured in the beginning that “mind over matter” would be how Bob would be how the 57-year-old high school physics teacher from Maine would outlast his opponents, the increasingly sinewy dude showed he had more than enough physical prowess to beat an Olympic gold medalist, a personal trainer and a strapping young doctor.

I’ve had infected plantar’s warts and impacted feces that weren’t as painful as reading all four paragraphs of that Survivor: Gabon synopsis. But not at the same time, though. That would just be gross.

Non-winner Jessica “Sugar” Kipper in “Sex and Death 101″ (thumbnail links NSFW):

“Rock” singer Brittany Flickinger is the big winner of Paris Hilton’s “My New BFF” contest on MTV. According to the Post-Chronicle

Brittany was named Hilton’s [Best Friend Forever] on the finale of Tuesday’s… show on MTV. Paris told Brittany, “I hope you’ll join me for our life together Because you’re my new BFF. Are you ready for a crazy life?”

So… you’re saying “BFF” doesn’t stand for “Brainless Blowjob Festival?” Well, what about “Boil-riddled Floppy Fish-taco?” Still no? I guess the head honchos at MTV had already seen “One Night in Paris,” then. No sense being redundant!

Visit Brittany’s MySpace here.