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If you’re wondering if Mel Gibson has always been the charmer he is today: in a word, ohfuckingyes. Winona Ryder told next month’s GQ magazine:

“I remember, like, fifteen years ago, I was at one of those big Hollywood parties. And he was really drunk. I was with my friend, who’s gay. He made a really horrible gay joke. And somehow it came up that I was Jewish. He said something about ‘oven dodgers,’ but I didn’t get it. I’d never heard that before. It was just this weird, weird moment. I was like, ‘He’s anti-Semitic and he’s homophobic.’ No one believed me!”

Sorry, but there’s just no such thing as a Holocaust “joke.” Although God knows it’s not for lack of me trying. Genocide jokes don’t elicit laughs. Much like this post, when you stop and think about it.

PHOTO CREDIT: GQ

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Once again Winona Ryder finds herself the victim of a “misunderstanding” that could easily be construed as “blatant theft” — a diamond ring and bracelet on loan to Klepty McStealsalot mysteriously went missing from her Madrid hotel. TMZ says

Winona was in Madrid Sunday for a Marie Claire event. Marie Claire had given Winona a [$125,000] Bulgari bracelet and a ring to wear, [along with] a dress and shoes.

After Winona left Madrid, the bracelet and ring turned up missing. Winona claimed she went to the front desk at the hotel and gave the jewelry to the front desk, but the surveillance cam doesn’t show her doing that.

So… security cameras can be used to prove your innocence? Wow. Didn’t see that one coming. I’ll just be adding that to my “Reasons to Install a Hidden Camera in My Anus” list, right between “extreme impact porn market” and “irrefutable proof of alien probes.” Note to self: genius.

Wearing the jewelery in question at the Marie Claire Prix de la Mode Awards last week:

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Winona Ryder downed a flight from Los Angeles to London yesterday after overdosing on happy pills while on the plane. The Daily Mail says

The 37-year-old star was rushed to hospital on arrival at Heathrow and an accidental overdose of tranquillisers was today believed to be the reason.The waif-like American… collapsed twice on Flight 282 after taking too many Xantax pills, which are used to combat anxiety.

Her publicist said: ‘She did fall ill on a plane and as a precautionary measure they took her to hospital. She was there for an hour. She’s in good health. There’s no drama.’

Drama? Please! It’s Winona Ryder we’re talking about. Everyone knows that Winona has always lived a life of quiet dignity and reserve. Whether it’s ripping off a Saks’ Fifth Avenue or overdosing on a transcontinental flight, Winona always manages to maintain an air of respectability and restraint. I swear, if she wore a little crown and scepter, you’d never know she wasn’t queen from the days of yore.

At the L.A. premiere of “Milk” last week:

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You probably remember that actress Winona Ryder was busted six years ago stealing clothes from a Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. Well, apparently our little Winona hasn’t gotten it out of her system, because the 36-year-old actress was caught shoplifting makeup from a Beverly Hills CVS drug store last week. According to The Daily Mail

A store employee is quoted as saying: “Winona had a bag of stuff, but she set off the theft alarm when she left the store. When a security guard stopped her, he found make-up she had not paid for.” And when she was asked about the make-up, Winona answered: “I don’t know how that happened.” The store employee added: “We took unpaid items back and she left the store.”

Winona’s publicist at first denied the incident took place. But when told a store employee had confirmed it, said she would check with her again.

Wait, is it 1991 again? Are we in junior high? Is the “five-finger discount” on Bonnie Bell lip smackers still de rigeuer? Am I cowering in the corner of the locker room while the eighth grade girls light my training bra on fire with a lighter and a can of Aqua Net? Am I cutting again? Are “Everybody Hurts” and frosted eye shadows my best friends? Oh, thank God! For a minute there I thought we’d entered some kind of terrible wormhole back into early pubescence. I was this close to perming my hair and buying a neon pink fanny pack again.

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Before becoming a famous actress and a shoplifting addict, Winona Ryder was a shy teenager who was an easy target for school bullies due to her wacky dress sense and hippy upbringing. These days are gone, but the past came back to haunt the “Girl, Interrupted” actress. Winona was recently asked for an autograph by a girl who beat her at school and she wasted no time in letting her know what she thought of her. She says:

“I was wearing an old Salvation Army shop boy’s suit and I had a hall pass, so I went to the bathroom. I heard people saying, ‘Hey, faggot.’ They slammed my head into a locker. I fell to the ground and they started to kick the shit out of me. I had to have stitches. The school kicked me out, not the bullies. Years later, I went to a coffee shop and I ran into one of the girls who’d kicked me, and she said, ‘Winona, Winona, can I have your autograph? And I said, ‘Do you remember me? Remember how, in the seventh grade, you beat up that kid?’ And she said, ‘Kind of.’ And I said, ‘That was me. Go fuck yourself.’”

I hope you have learned your lesson, kids. Never beat the shit out of your not-so-good-looking classmates, because behind every unwashed hippy bastard lies a potential Winona.

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