Boy. The Ghost of Christmas Future isn’t the only one wishing Gargamel had pulled out now. That’s the sort of face that you usually see crouched atop a buttress on Gothic cathedral to ward off evil spirits.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

This is what happens when Madonna cuts the placenta and virgin blood from her diet. She’d probably do a whole lot better just sticking to Atkins.

Because human souls aren’t high in carbs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jessica Simpson appears on the cover of next month’s Marie Claire without any make-up or retouching in an effort to promote her new turd of a show “The Price of Beauty.” She tells the magazine:

“There’s always something that I’ve wanted to fix because there’s always somebody who looks better; that’s what we always compare ourselves to. So I think the [show] really was finding what was beautiful inside of me and knowing that it’s unique and rare. And it was a very powerful journey. It has definitely changed my life.

I just wish I was taller, so all those dresses would fit! I like the bump in my nose. It’s an imperfection, but to me it’s perfection. I’m not against reconstructive surgery if it is for a woman to have more confidence.”

I’m not sure how looking as unattractive as possible on a magazine cover is gonna increase potential viewership, but then again, I’m not a fancy television producer. My instinct would be to go with “boobs” and “more boobs,” followed by a couple of high-speed car crashes and footage of fat people falling down. Which is precisely why I’m already in early stages of development with Fox.

Because the title “The Price of Having a Fame-Hungry Father and a String of Failed Relationships that I Eat My Way Through” didn’t really appeal to test audiences:

“Desperate Housewives’” Marcia Cross left her makeup (click the header for full-size HQ makeup-free Marcia) and her broom and cauldron behind yesterday when she took her twins down to the Santa Monica Pier. You’ll note that the au naturel look isn’t doing her any favors. She looks like a cross between an albino bat and one of those pink-eyed salamanders you find wallowing around in the bottom of cave pools. Maybe it’s some kind of side effect from too much eye of newt and toe of frog.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

^{PHOTO SOURCE: Nine MSN}

It’s weird, but I actually think Lisa Rinna looks better without all the makeup and lip grease. Don’t get me wrong — it’s still disgusting no matter how you slice it (plastic surgery pun intended!), but in more of a “nurse, clean that afterbirth off the floor” versus “please pass the grilled placenta to Daddy” sort of way. You gotta try to see the good in every situation.

In a bikini (and in full makeup) this summer:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News