Michael Lohan’s mission to get daughter Lindsay into rehab has now progressed into a shock-and-awe media campaign, complete with his airing a list of all the prescription drugs she’s currently using. According to Page Six

[Michael said], “She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

For those of you who didn’t regularly buy pills from your RA’s boyfriend freshman year, Paxil is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Adderall is used to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and narcolepsy. Xanax is prescribed for anxiety disorders and panic disorders. So unless she’s a hyperactive narcoleptic Korean war vet with polycystic ovarian syndrome and compulsive hand-washing issues, she’s taking waaaay too much goddamn medication. I bet the words “Glaxo-Smith Kline” and “Pfizer” are permanently branded into her liver by now.

And now, for someone who doesn’t look 100 years old — Megan Fox in VIP magazine:

Winona Ryder downed a flight from Los Angeles to London yesterday after overdosing on happy pills while on the plane. The Daily Mail says

The 37-year-old star was rushed to hospital on arrival at Heathrow and an accidental overdose of tranquillisers was today believed to be the reason.The waif-like American… collapsed twice on Flight 282 after taking too many Xantax pills, which are used to combat anxiety.

Her publicist said: ‘She did fall ill on a plane and as a precautionary measure they took her to hospital. She was there for an hour. She’s in good health. There’s no drama.’

Drama? Please! It’s Winona Ryder we’re talking about. Everyone knows that Winona has always lived a life of quiet dignity and reserve. Whether it’s ripping off a Saks’ Fifth Avenue or overdosing on a transcontinental flight, Winona always manages to maintain an air of respectability and restraint. I swear, if she wore a little crown and scepter, you’d never know she wasn’t queen from the days of yore.

At the L.A. premiere of “Milk” last week: