Hi everyone, it’s Sonya today! I hope you had a great weekend. Besides glue and putty and gardening tools, do you know what else bearded pitchman Billy Mays loved? I mean, REALLY REALLY LOVED? Drugs! TMZ reports,

A mighty shocking autopsy report concludes cocaine contributed to the sudden death of pitchman Billy Mays back in June.

The report, which was released today, lists “cocaine use” as a contributing cause of death — along with hypertensive and arteriosclerotic heart disease.

A Hillsborough County press release says “from the presence of metabolites of cocaine and the absence of cocaine itself, it was concluded that Mr. Mays used cocaine in the few days prior to his death but not immediately prior to death.”

Mays died in his sleep on June 28 at his home in Florida.

UPDATE: Official documents show the following drugs were in Mays’ system — hydrocodone (Vicodin), oxycodone (painkiller), alprazolam (Xanax), nordiazepam (Valium), benzoylecgonine (byproduct of cocaine) and temazepam (anti-anxiety). Ethanol — alcohol — was also in Mays’ system.

HO-LY COW. That’s quite the cocktail. Any other person, and that would’ve knocked you on your ass the first time. But not Billy Mays! It just gave him the drive to POWER THROUGH, TO DIG DOWN REALLY DEEP, to GET THOSE RESULTS, all while cultivating a beard that would have made Paul Bunyan weep with envy.

In Memoriam: Billy Mays Gangsta Remix:

At least they are when Evian water uses digitally enhanced ones in their commercial. I’d imagine that overpriced name brand water is taking a hit right now, but surely they could come up with something less creepy. Can’t sleep, roller skating babies will eat me!

Howard Stern aired what was supposedly “raw board feed” of Beyonce screeching and mewing through a Today show performance last year on his Sirius radio show yesterday. Unfortunately, the whole thing was revealed to be a hoax today (the guy who made it offers his explanation after the jump), but of course, Beyonce’s insufferable asswipe of a father still had to get in his two cents. Matthew Knowles told Access Hollywood

“If no one took the time to look at the biggest Inauguration in the history of America then shame on them. If no one took the time to listen to Beyonce sing ‘America the Beautiful’ and ‘At Last’ at the Neighborhood Ball for the first dance of President Obama and the First Lady, and they question Beyonce’s vocal ability, they’ve gotta be an idiot.

At 12 years into her career, the last thing someone should be questioning is her vocal ability. That would be like questioning if Kobe Bryant could shoot a jump shot.”

Somewhere out there, Milli Vanilli, Ashlee Simpson and Hilary Duff are nodding their heads in staunch agreement. God knows the music industry never offers you anything but unfettered truth and raw talent.

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Ashton Kutcher took to YouTube to bitch and whine about the injustice of being woken at 7:00 A.M. by the sound of his neighbor’s construction yesterday. Never mind that half the known world has already been awake for two GD hours by the time his precious beauty sleep was so thoughtlessly interrupted. And then, because he didn’t already sound like enough a tremendous asswipe, he went back and made an “apology” video, saying he was sorry for the earlier outburst, but it’s just that he likes being woken up by a “nice tune, like John Mayer or something sweet like that.” And that’s when I stopped watching, so I don’t know what happens after that. But four out of five experts agree that “changing his tampon” or “tucking his genitals between his legs and fondling his nipples in front of a mirror” is probably a safe bet.

YouTube sensation Shane Mercado made his debut appearance on The Bonnie Hunt Show yesterday, dancing his little gay heart out to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.” And just like that, you’ve just witnessed the tangible embodiment of Sasha Fierce. It’s called Shane Mercado. For the record, this is the first time in recorded history that putting on a Speedo and a belly nipple shirt and videotaping yourself dancing in your dorm room didn’t end with a beating and a Texas wedgie. I personally credit my high-steppin’ version of “Fame” for paving the way for syncopated geniuses like Shane. Long live the unitard!

Watch him on Bonnie Hunt here.