The Teen Choice Awards took place last night, but it’s not airing until tonight, which doesn’t make any sense to me. I suppose it’s a test of willpower for the tweens who watch this shite to not go online and you know, see who won ahead of time. Me, personally, I’m not the least bit interested in who won what when your nominees include Douche Pack members like Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and Zac Efron. I’d rather just look at pictures and make fun of everyone, wouldn’t you?

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Hey peeps, it’s Sonya today and I’m taking you to Funkytown. It’s a quaint little village on the continent of Zac Efron, island of Greasy Face. I do want to warn you, you might find the villagers to be a coarse lot, with lots of belching up of yellow fluid and scratching of crotches, hence the overall inflamed appearance. Today’s forecast includes a douchey cover of beanie, and by the looks of the neighboring orbiting body, a chance of white facial showers. Enjoy your stay, but watch your back. They’re a queer sort.

Trying to hide behind his friend after a trip to Starbucks, because that’s what douchetastic boys do

Zac Efron is such a gentleman. He likes to accost poor unsuspecting security guards, “fall” on them, and have his way with them. But it’s okay because he feels bad about it later. According to Digital Spy, he has apologized for a little tumble he had with a security guard at LAX.

Zac Efron has admitted that he “felt terrible” after falling on top of a security guard as he attempted to outrun the paparazzi at Los Angeles International Airport.

Speaking to Extra, the 17 Again star admitted that he had decided to run up and down an escalator in a bid to escape, but ended up tripping over the other man.

“There were so many paparazzi. It was crazy. When there’s that many paparazzi, you can’t see. People start yelling. People get hurt,” he explained.

“While I was running, the guy in front of me kind of fell and then I fell on top of him. It was kind of weird. The guy was not a bodyguard - he was just a guy from the airport helping out. I felt terrible.”

He then continued, “It was crazy–I just got caught up in the moment. I’d never been with a black man before. I just couldn’t control it when my hips started thrusting. You just can’t control the motion of my ocean, baby.”

The tender moment:

Industry insiders have long known that the only way way to make Zac Efron tolerable is to juxtapose him against a force even more grating and douche-tastic than the entire High School Musical franchise.

Until yesterday, it was believed that such a force did not exist.

And then Kathie Lee burst onto the scene like a warm splash of Summer’s Eve on a dark and yeasty night, curlers in her hair and a photo of Cody clutched in her hand. Miracles do happen, my friends. Miracles do happen.

Gaying it up in GQ:

Ugh. Sweet Jesus, this thing is creepy as hell. Remember the movie Waxwork?  This unholy creation is gonna come to life and suck us into a vortex where we’re forced to sing and dance and play basketball until it destroys us all.  I mean, just look at those eyes.  I gotta go; I need to find some weapons.  I wanna be ready when The Wax Reckoning begins.

Zac Efron’s new wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s:

Vanessa Hudgens arrived at the ‘Watchmen’ premiere in Hollywood yesterday without any pants on, but clearly Zac Efron isn’t concerned with all that. He’s too busy wondering why his stylist didn’t give him a musket to go with that two-sizes too small Confederate uniform jacket. And don’t even get him started on that hat. Really, is it too much to ask for a little accessory continuity, people?

It’s gotta be a real blow to the ol’ manhood when you realize your girlfriend has more of a five o’clock shadow than you ever will. At least Zac Efron can take comfort in the fact his vagina will always be bigger.

Zac and “girlfriend”/werewolf Vanessa Hudgens promoting HSM 3 in Japan:

Proof that you can always manage to be more gay, Zac Efron has declared his admiration of Daniel Radcliffe’s balls. Now Magazine has the scoop:

Zac Efron is impressed that Daniel Radcliffe has been baring all in stage play Equus.

The High School Musical 3 hero, 20, was rumoured to be replacing Dan, 19, in the Broadway version of the show next year.

But he’s not sure about getting naked - and admires the bravery of the Harry Potter star, who’s been appearing starkers and wowing audiences in the Big Apple since September.

‘Daniel was very ballsy,’ Zac tells a French website.

‘Oh wow, that is the wrong choice of word for that! He is very smart. But I don’t know if I would do something edgy for the sake of doing something edgy. I think as I mature, so will my roles. I think it will come with time. I’m not going to do anything drastic.’

Oh come on, Zac. You’re not foolin’ us none. Admit it–being a part of the visual and audio abomination that is High School Musical has caused your penis to shrink back in on itself and your groin to swallow your balls. Maybe if he isn’t willing to take off his pants, well, maybe he can just play the mount.

High School Musical star Zac Efron was attacked by a man last night at a West End theater in London. The Daily Mail says

Efron was leaving the Apollo in Shaftesbury Avenue when a middle-aged man - thought to be a deranged fan - began shouting and pointing at him. The attacker… was then said to have lunged forward and tried to grab his hair.

An onlooker said: ‘Some guy just reached over and grabbed the side of Zac’s head. There was no provocation. He was shouting all kinds of things at Zac. Their security team had to bundle Zac into a car, but at one point it looked as though the man was going to be pushed into it with him.’

Zac reportedly remained calm and composed during the entire unfortunate attack. The secret to maintaining his collective cool? L’Oréal Double Extend Waterproof Mascara and Cashmere Perfect 8-Hour PowderCrème Foundation. “It just lasts and lasts!” he’s quoted as saying. “Tears, sweat, semen — and believe you me, it saw it all last night!” L’Oréal — because he’s worth it.

You know how I know Zac Efron’s gay? Um, this:

Zac Efron just wants to be one of the girls!

The 20-year-old was so concerned about his hair backstage at the Teen Choice Awards [that] he asked to borrow a curling iron. “He said [it was for girlfriend] Vanessa Hudgens, but it was really for him!” says a source. “He said the humidity was killing his hair and that it was flat.”

Moments later, Zac was seen styling his locks.

Really, the only way this story could be any gayer is if it came with volumes 1 and 2 of “Sweaty Man Love” and a Polyphonic Spree CD.

Here is Zac Efron doing his best “Really, I’m Not Gay” by motorboating “girlfriend” Vanessa Hudgens for the camera. It sure looks heterosexual, but let’s remember it’s Zac Efron we’re talking about here. You could just as easily pretend that Vanessa’s rack was some beefy dude’s ass crack and the salt water running down her chest was his butt sweat. It’s called the “gift of imagination,” and it’s totally free. Unlike cable.

Disney’s latest whore-in-training Vanessa Hudgens apparently has a Christmas-themed sex tape floating around. Christmas, because Hanukkah and Ramadan are so clichéd. London’s The Sun says

Reportedly the beauty… is sitting underneath a Christmas tree wearing nothing but a Santa hat and a red thong. She says to the camera: “I’ve been a good girl this year.” Then boyfriend Zac Efron appears before nature takes its course.

According to all the Metamucil commercials I’ve seen, “nature takes its course” means “you take a big dump.” So I don’t know what kind of perverse Christmas-themed “Two Girls, One Cup” business Vanessa’s got going on, but I’ll have no part of it, thank you very much. Unless, of course, “nature takes its course” is just code for “Zac sashays in in peep-toe pumps and a rhinestone bustier lip-syncing ‘I’m Your Venus’ on a bearskin rug.” ‘Cause if that’s the case, I’ll take two, please.

Vanessa getting roses on Valentine’s Day: