Scientologists believe that Tom Cruise is a level seven Operating Thetan who obtained both telekinetic and telepathic powers by crossing The Bridge to Total Freedom. You remember the Bridge to Total Freedom. It’s right next to the Tunnel of Are You Fucking Kidding Me with This Shit. The Daily Mail says:
An investigation by Rolling Stone revealed that [Cruise] had reached an advanced level of Scientology and was known as an Operating Thetan… [and] reached a rarefied state of enlightenment after traveling what is known as the Bridge to Total Freedom.
[According to Scientology], OTs have total control over themselves and their environment. OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings.
If he’s so telepathic and telekinetic, how come he didn’t mind-manipulate anybody into the movie theater when Rock of Ages opened and then Jedi-mind-trick them into thinking it was the greatest rock opera ever made? The short answer is: because he’s not fucking telepathic. The only thing that guy’s ever gonna will is John Travolta out of a pair of leather pants.