Charlie Sheen must have figured out his last webcast blew bigtime, because he’s set his first “Sheen’s Korner” webcast to private and replaced it with last night’s “Torpedoes of Truth.” I’m not sure when watching a sweaty middle-aged man on a phone call with a PR rep became must-see TV, but episode two of Sheen’s Korner has already been seen more than half a million times. In the video, he tells his associate Bob Marron (via the Daily Mail):

“Sheen’s Korner is already ingrained into the whole pantheon of the lexicon of the whole fucking movement… last night’s [webcast] was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies.”

“I’m gonna write my sermons, I’m gonna deliver them like truth torpedoes, and people are gonna fucking take it or leave it, we know they’re gonna take it cause they can’t process it, so they must condemn it. And it they can’t condemn it, they’ll like fucking turn me into a God and worship it, and realize I’m behind them, cutting their throats, and their children’s…”

“I’m tired of losing all my gold into the fucking ether-sphere of fucking stupidity. My thing is fucking gold and platinum and diamonds and every other precious fucking gem that falls out of fucking losers buttholes.”

“I don’t feel pain because pain is a fucking myth.”

“We need to hack up the person responsible for this bad [phone] connection. We need to hack him up into pieces in front of his children. We need to cut off his face and wear it and go on a very tightly-budgeted shopping spree in stores that don’t exist yet.”

What can I possibly say that could top that? Hmm? An off-the-cuff quasi-futuristic Hannibal Lechter scenario? Butthole gems? Seriously, if this keeps up, Charlie Sheen is gonna put my ass out of business.

UPDATE: Looks like all that winning finally caught up with him. CBS fired his warlock ass this afternoon.